My Love That Never Happened

I can neither clearly remember when I met him for the first time nor clearly remember when I started to love him. But I know I do love him, deeply, with all my heart, and out of my control.

I had experienced some unhappiness during the summer vacation before I became a freshman in an unsatisfactory college. At that time, I was drowned in a depressed state without mood to do anything. I had no intention to pursue any romantic relationship, but I fell in love with him suddenly, unawarely, and out of my control.

He was the chairman of the poem society while I was a director of one branch. It was a youthful, passionate, and enthusiastic time. A group of juvenile people gathered to discuss the poem society‘s past and future. I was so happy that I devoted my whole heart to the society. I was delighted to be one of the group, and he was the most impressing one. It seemed that he also impressed on me very much. He lived in the eastern area of campus while I was in the western area. He often asked me to treat him once he came to the western area. We often played jokes each other.

Undoubtedly, we were happy when we got together. But at that time I just adored him without any romantic feelings.

A turning point came up when one night I had a dream, in which he asked me to be his girlfriend. After I woke up the next morning, the dream was so clear that I almost believed it had happened in the real world. Afterwards, I could not stop thinking of him. In other words, I became interested in him, who is full of stories and experiences. His parents got divorced when he was two years old, and he spent his childhood with his grandfather and grand grandmother. When he was ten years old, he moved to his mother‘s family, with a stepfather, two half-sisters and a half-brother, so I thought he had some self-pity. He was good at writing and could always skillfully write his experiences in his works. In reality, he was a humorous boy always with a fascinating smile. He never told us his sad feelings and unhappy experiences. In contrast, the stories in his writings were full of sorrows which shocked me deeply, so he was just like a puzzle to me. I pitied him so much that I felt sad for his sorrows. I could not control my feeling and curiosity, so I was eager to walk into his world and know more about him. What‘s more, I was eager to let him know more about me. Therefore, I got his QQ number from one of his old friends and began a cyber chat without giving my true name, but I told him my true feeling and my true life. I even hoped he could guess my true identity, thus I could make a judgment whether he cared about me. I was disappointed that he had no idea of who I was. During those days, it seemed that he liked talking with "HER". He often left messages to "HER" even when I wasn‘t online. However, I began to be self-condemned. My conscience told me it‘s unfair for him because I knew who he was in the reality but he knew nothing about me. Finally, I told him everything in the summer vacation. At first he was very angry, but later on he forgave me.

I didn‘t know whether something went wrong or we had changed. I found we lost happiness when we got together. I was sure I loved him so much but I tried every effort to hold back my feeling. I was afraid that he felt my feeling, and I even began self-deceit that I just appreciated him not for love but for friendship. I fought with myself, torturing my true feeling with sensibility, but it did exist with enormous power, and perhaps this’ s the very reason I succumbed to illness for a long time. When the long painful term passed, I decided to escape, escaping from his world. I left the poem society and decided to live my peaceful life. I believed time would be the painkiller. I hoped I would forget him as time elapsed. I wasn‘t confident enough to tell him my love and my pain, and I even thought my love was a mistake. To tell the truth, it was difficult for me to face him peacefully and treat him as a good friend. The only way to save myself is to escape from his world. A peaceful term of life came to an end, and I thought I could be his friend from then on, so I often went to his dormitory during the second summer vacation. Unfortunately, he was very indifferent, ignored my existence and never talked with me. Although I still kept a very peaceful appearance, chatting and laughing with another friend in his dormitory during the summer vacation, his attitude greatly saddened me, and the torrent was running in my heart. I told myself “I don’t care” again and again, but it came to no use at all, especially when I recalled the past. I didn‘t think he care me even if as a friend, which resulted in a cold feeling within my heart.

Our conflict eventually broke out on one night during the National Day. Selina, one of my old friends as well as his friend on Internet, came to see me from Shen Zhen. As I mentioned above, my heart was frozen with sadness. Without telling him, I asked junior brothers with me to pick up my good friend at 1 o’clock late in the night. We were so happy together that we almost forgot others in the world and sent no message to him during the first two days. On the third afternoon, he and another friend sent me a message and invited us to move around the city. When we were about to have dinner, I came across the junior brothers who accompanied us on the night when Selina arrived. I was so happy to see them and enthusiastically invited them to dinner. After they took their seats, he seemed to get a little angry. He unhappily stood on his feet and went to another table without any explanation. I was confused and didn’t know what wrong I had done just now. At first, I thought maybe it’s impolite for him that I invited some strangers without his agreement, so I went to pay the bill. But he looked very unhappy, kept silent, and ignored everybody during the whole night. I was very angry at his behavior and satire him deliberately with a cold tone. He later sent me a shocking e-mail, because I really hadn‘t meant that. He told me that he was very unhappy just because we sent him no message about my friend’s arrival. It had nothing to do with my invitation of strangers, and he was broken-hearted for what I had said to him that night. I didn’t know how to explain and dissolve the misunderstanding and had to let it be. But even in this e-mail I could not make sure whether he cared me or not because he wrote in such an obscure way.

I would never forget the moment when I was broken-hearted. A junior brother asked me whether he‘s always tired of talking with me, then the junior bother went on, "Do you know why?" I shook my head. "Because he thinks you’re self-arrogant." These words made everything before my eyes fall apart. I tried my best to calm myself down and asked, "How do you know that?” The junior brother explained that maybe the comment didn‘t come directly from his words but indirectly from others‘ summary of his words. At that time I felt my heart was torn into small pieces, and I resolutely decided to delete his name from my good friend list forever.

Time passed, but those joys and sorrows were still alive on my mind. I was not such a mindless girl who believed everything from other’s words. In fact, I didn’t believe what the junior brother had told me after I thought them over. But I still found it was difficult for me to be kind and friendly to him. Once I saw him, those words haunted around my ear and hurt me deeply. I couldn‘t even force myself to nod and greet him with a cheerful and warm smile. They at least reflected other’s opinions about what he thought of me, and this was what I cared about.

Now he has a girl friend and seems to live a happy life, but I think I still love him as before, because a pain does exist vividly and deeply in my heart anytime when I think of him, and he will be an inerasable pain deeply in my heart all my life.

This is my love, which never happened but will live in my heart forever.