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Microsoft
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For those without comedic tastes, theso-called-experts atWikipedia have an article about:Microsoft.
“The day Microsoft makes something that doesn‘t suck is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.”
~Oscar Wilde on Microsoft
"When you look at the way Microsoft has been run, it has been run like a plantation, and you know what I‘m talking about."
~Hillary Clinton on Microsoft
"When I look at Microsoft, I often look for the new interns. They seem to have the best... hardware. "
~Bill Clinton on Microsoft
"In Soviet Russia, soft micros YOU!"
~Russian Reversal on Microsoft

Look upMicrosoft inUndictionary, the twisted dictionary

"Where do you want to go today?" Evidently, Gates lacked the foresight to realise one cannot go far without a ticket...
You may be looking forM1cR0s0ft and not even know it!
Microsoft (comes from the German word "Mikroschaft", which means small penis), a now defunctsoftware company, was a victim to the rampantsoftware piracy. Because many people usedMicrosoft Windows without paying adime, Microsoft went bankrupt whileApple andLinux made a huge profit. (Don‘t worry, the software pirates paid for their evil. They‘re stuck with Windows now.Sucks for them...) The name "Microsoft" was fondly remembered as the smallest unit of software functionality and references to the actual company outside of history books, hype from Wired magazine, or hacker humour have nearly gone extinct.
However, Microsoft‘s good twin:M1cR0s0ft, has also won the sales, and admiration of people everywhere. Microsoft has tried very hard to remove this threat, but has been unsuccessful, due to the power of extreme sarcasm.
Contents
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1 Bill Gates‘s IQ2 Business models3 Microsoft‘s recent stock purchases4 The mother of all Microsofts5 History6 Nondeterministic Technology7 Corporate policies8 Operating System Versions9 Inventive Genius10 Robot Army11 Myths12 Products13 See also
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Bill Gates‘s IQ

A diagramatic illustration of Bill Gates‘ IQ.
Bill Gates has made it into the Guinness Book of World Records for officially being the only person on earth to have an IQ below zero, and has to have his mother dress him. Many people think that G. W. Bush also has IQ below zero, but this is not true. Bush‘s IQ is exactly 3.4*10^-19.
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Business models
Microsoft has always been a proud guardian to thecopyrights. All Microsoft products come with a built-in hand greedily searching your wallet. In the mean time, Linux shipped everything without such a legal feature. That‘s the problem.
The lack of a price tag on the Linux side proved to be a killer to Microsoft. While both side‘s products are being pirated day and night, Microsoft loses several thousand dollars with each illegal download while Linux loses nothing. Such irresponsible strategy pushed Microsoft to its demise.Shame onyou, Linux.
However, in France, people have been known to smear moutarde on Microsoft-supplied codpieces.
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Microsoft‘s recent stock purchases
Microsoft has recently bought 75% of the share in Evil (NYSE: "EVL"). Evil, founded by Satan at the beginning of time, has thrived since Bill Gates started his career in business and began to buy shares of Evil. Gates currently shares his Evil ownership with the ghost ofGenghis Kahn andCousin Vinny (the 103rd and for some strange reson the 105th reincarnation of Budda).
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The mother of all Microsofts
Microsoft was fondled byBill Gates andSteve Jobs in the early to late 1800s. Steve shipped software for the 68k and Bill ported this software to the x86. Taking its name from theGreek, meaning "small,withered genitalia," Microsoft is known worldwide as the founding mother of open software -- please open this software and pay.

Microsoft Piano 2.1 was developed for professional and amateur musicians alike. However, those with the misfortune of having played one report it is far from music to the ears.
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History

Redmond, home of Microsoft
Microsoft Copulations was a supercomputer manufacturer founded in Waltham, Massachusetts in 1882 byBenny Hill andMargaret Thatcher to turn Hill‘s doctoral work at MIT on ambiguous computing architectures into a commercial product called the Confusion Machine. The company moved in 1884 from Waltham to Kendall Square in Cambridge, Massachusetts, not far from theKrispy Kreme Doughnuts. But because of its demonic nature company was widely known even before founding and1024 took first prize atMost true country of the world competition. Microsoft is a contraction of "Mike Rowe Software", named after the CEO who was born in 1987 and took over the old "Copulations" company at the age of one, brilliantly turning it around as an acquisitive, monopolistic money-grabbing behemoth. Microsoft is often associated with a joker named Bill Gates. This is because gates who was working in a circus in the same town where the supercomputer was released. Being a clown by nature, he thought it would be so much fun to fool people by making a parody of this supercomputer by calling it a software called TheMacOs. But soon Bill realized that most intelligent consumers recognized our software only fools them, so he changed the name to Microsoft to confuse people even more. This however actually worked for him[1].

Microsoft in their endless war againstApple
Microsoft produced a number of Confusion Machine models: in chronological order, the CM-1, CM-2, CM-200, CM-5, and CM-5E. The Confusion Machine was programmed in a variety of specialized languages, including *Lisp and CM Lisp, derived from Common Lisp, C*, derived from C, andFortran (using a special compiler to translate standard Fortran code to the obfuscated instruction set of the machine). The CM-1 through CM-200 were examples of SIMI architecture (Single Instruction Multiple Interpretation), while the CM-5 and CM-5E were MIMI (Multiple Instructions Multiple Interpretation).
Microsoft went through Chapter 11 bankruptcy in 1951, following the collapse of the U.S. supercomputer market. Next they went through Chapter 12 bankruptcy in 1987 and more recently they went through Chapter 12.1 bankruptcy in 2002.

Microsoft introduces Windows 95 to the world.
It was during the Chapter 12 bankruptcy years, Microsoft delved briefly into the "Oxymoron" market, producing its well known software package, entitled "Microsoft Works".
Many of the hardware people joined Fun Microsystems and went on to design the Fun Enterprise series of "scarallel" computers. The Darwin data destruction toolkit, developed by Microsoft‘ Business SuperConfuser Group, was purchased by Boracle. Most of the team that built Darwin left Microsoft for Fun & Broadway soon after the company imploded in a puff of smoke.
Besides Benny Hill, other noted people who worked for or with the company includedAbbie Einstein,Nikola Tesla,Michael Eisner,Steve Jobs,Jamie Houghton,Escape Key, andIndira Gandhi.Any Key, cousin to Escape Key, helped with some of the earlier DOS error messages.Freddy Krueger‘s company, Elm Street Charties, was also bought by Microsoft.
Besides Kendall Square Research, Microsoft‘s competitors includedJapan, which made a computer similar to the CM-2,Black Sun, and Meiko, whose later offerings were similar to the CM-5.
Microsoft nearly died after being sued by BE Inc., and was turned into a smallopen source group. No websites used it due to it being so powerful that hackers got fried.
In2006, the state ofMontana was renamedMicrosoftland byGuest, then president of Microsoft (actually, its only employee), who happened to be the only person in the world who loved Microsoft. The company headquarters, which was located in his own house, was then moved to Microsoftland due to theNike Revolution.
In2337, two freedom fighters, hailing fromIraq, liberated aBoeing 747 from the clutches of itscapitalist owners and, in a noble gesture of self-sacrifice, flung the fateful jet into Microsoft‘s headquarters, destroying the base of its heinous operations and ending the tyrannic rule of Bill Gates.
It has been confirmed that the XBOX360is quite possibly the most pointless video game system ever to have existed. Though it is not a complete loss. Many have found use for it as a doorstop, or paperweight. But of course, it will pwn because it has good graphics and that‘s really all that matters. It doesn‘t matter that Halo sucks, and no one seems to realize it. They‘ll buy it cause it‘s pretty.
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Nondeterministic Technology

Due to the ever-increasing popularity of open-source software, Microsoft is aggressively marketing the upcomingWindows Vista.
At the basis of all Microsoft technology, originally called NT, is the nondeterministic finite state automaton. All processes in devices that use Microsoft technology software, are guaranteed to be nondeterministic. Once the processes of a computer have been running in a nondeterministic way for a certain amount of time, like half an hour, quarter of an hour, this time period is partly randomized, a blue screen may be presented to the user as proof of the nondeterminism. Later, XP, (eXtranondeterministic Processing) was introduced by the company.
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Corporate policies
Microsoft adheres to the policy of "eat your own dog poop," which guarantees that any Microsoft release will function properly on a Microsoft system. For example, a Microsoft operating system that runs a Microsoft word processor programmed in a Microsoft based programming language using a Microsoft keyboard and Microsoft mouse should, in theory, be 100% functional with no error. Employees are discouraged from coming in to contact with non-Microsoft tools, software, or viruses (while Microsoft viruses are okay because they impede compatibility with Linux). This allows for a "theoretically stable" environment in which no error can possibly exist, as all Microsoft products are incapable of error. Once any third party hardware or software is used, the computer will become immediately unstable due to entirely to the end user (even going within 10 kilometres of a paperclip would break Microsoft software, as seen in the office companion clipper).
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Operating System Versions
Windows has been cremated and reincarnated many times, some of the most noted versions are as follows:
Windows 1.0 - Look It‘s All Blue!Windows 3.1 - A major upgrade to 3.1 - adds a K°0ø¤ōôǒ?óöó?ǒôō¤ø0°L Easter egg to the "About" screen of one of the screensavers. However, 1.0 didn‘t have screensavers, so the fundamental design decision taken went vastly unnoticed by the end user.Windows 3.11 - First version to feature sleek-ass design, with big gay red close buttons, fading tooltips, menu omega-transparency and, at last but not at least, an amazing shadow under the mouse. The last is considered by many to be the most innovative GUI usability feature recently. It is also infamous for the double-encrypted code that reads "if Dr. DOS in use, refuse to boot".Windows 3.14159 - Easy as piMicrosoft Bob - Easier than piWindows 95 - What Do You Want To Stare At Today?Windows 98SE: 98 Screams EnforcingWindows CE-ME-NT - Just Add Water!Windows 666 - With added eeevilWindows XP - Look It‘s All Blue! Again.Windows RG - Really Good edition (or is it Really greedy?)Windows NW - When Windows NW was first released, "Bear" Bryant was so shocked at its lack of functionality that he promptly fell over with kidney stones.Windows 2000 Semi-professional - a newer version ofWindows NW that doesn‘t work even faster.Windows Vista - OMFG!! It‘s like, so1337!!Windows Codename BSOD - Coming to a computer near you, this July!Microsoft Bob-D -Bob Dole‘s update toMicrosoft Bob.
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Inventive Genius

Microsoft‘s software development strategy is to wait for open-source software to introduce useful functions and then duplicate them. Shown here is Microsoft Firefox 7, due for official release with Windows Vista (Windows osxP).
Offers software for free Released Windows ME Merged with Cisco Mapped the F1 key to MAN pages Invented Worklessgroups Self Fixing Operating System Puppy friendly virus scanning spam zombie writer friendly while alt-control-delete was invented at (I)mply (B)roken (M)achines it‘s Microsoft that made it famous.
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Robot Army
It is believed that Microsoft is currently developing a robot army, to kill Sony, and then take over the world. The funding for this robot army is by Bill Gates, who is working in conjunction withSteven Hawking to create a gigantic nuclear tank, capable of mass destruction, like that of the ‘‘Metal Gear Solid series of video games.
This unstoppable force can only be countered by the power ofRonald McDonald when all the legendary superfries and superchicken nuggets have been sacrificed in a church, only then, can you call upon his name to fight the evil Microsoft. To help Ronald McDonald defeat the evil that is Microsoft, you must do your share and buy all the soccer mom bumper stickers you can.
It has recently been revealed thatChuck Norris will step up to help Good Sir McDonald when the time comes.
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Myths
It is rumored that there are non-existant buildings at the Microsoft Headquarters (Building 7, to be precise). This is untrue. Building 7 was placed in a parrallel universe afterBill Gates built the firstStar Gate portal.
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Products

Microsoft‘s latest product after researching the "urban" market.

Most new computers come standard with a quality word processor. Seen here is a higher end model about to process a word that induces fear in 214 different languages.
Microsoft offers a vast array of product lines, including:
MicrosoftBenedict XP ChiaWindows ... just add water!Microsoft SidewinderMicrosoft BobLetter obsessed paperclipMicrosoft Windows1337Microsoft DoorsFrench vegemiteMicrosoft FloorMicrosoft CeilingMy PenisMicrosoft WallMicrosoft Broom (to clean up your life)Microsoft Duct-Tape (to fix your Microsoft Broom)Michael JacksonMicrosoft PornWorld of WhorecraftUAT 2005 the hacked editionMS PaintMicrosoft PongPong! the Moviegod alsojesusMicrosoft Drew CurtisMicrosoft AccessMicrosoft Vapourwareyour momMicrosoft Pope John Paul 2.0Microsoft Pope John Paul 2.1Microsoft PopeMobileMicrosoft BillyMobileBill ClintonCanadaWaterfall TechniqueThe WindozerNotepadChuck NorrisJacques ChiracOS-TansAnti-VandelBlue screens of deathFrench ticklersThird Portuguese QuartugalMicrosoft WhopperbuzzWordPadThe Wizard of OzYour MomvBulletinMicrosoft Penis* (*requires an extension)How to Licence: A pyramid SchemeAngbandEiffel towerMS WORD UPMicrosoft Drug DealerMicrosoft Solid 2: Son of Bill Gatesspell check
Products currently in development:
Windows Stained Glass WindowsMS BananaPhone 2005Windows Vista InlookFrench poodles Stainless Steel Windows How to: Patent Common TechnologyX360XBox 360 Goofy-Foot Kickflip Axel Grind to an Ollie thePenguin mafia
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See also
Clan MicrosoftCTRL-ALT-DELMicrosoft ConspiraciesMicroBorgSerious Cybernetics CorporationSAPFreddy KruegerAtomic wedgieChicago CubsM1cR0s0ftBlue Screen of Deathyour mom1337Anti-God
Microsoft Windows
Windows 95 |Windows 98 |Windows Me |Windows NT |Windows 2000 |Windows XP |Windows Server 2003 |Windows Vista |Windows for Cavemen |Windows Ignorer
Technologies
.NET |Internet Exploder |Windows Media Player |Microsoft Office |Notepad |DirectX
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Microsoft"
Categories:Oscar Wildeizms |Microsoft |Computers and Technology |Companies |Software Development |Bastion of Corporate Evil |American History |Evil Organizations
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This page was last modified 06:50, 26 March 2006. Content is available under aCreative Commons License.About UncyclopediaDisclaimers