TIME | Breaking Away

Sunday, Sep. 04, 2005
Breaking Away
Holidaying boomers leave rituals and stress behind
By SALLY S. STICH
Made your Christmas plans yet? Even this far ahead, the question may send a jolt of anxiety through you as visions of frantic shopping, decorating, cooking and family frictions dance in your head. But Jane Parrish, 41, of North Salem, N.Y., isn‘t worried. Jane, her husband Mike, 45, and their three kids are looking forward this year to a major departure from stressful Christmases past. They will spend the holiday at Kay El Bar, a 79-year-old dude ranch in Wickenburg, Ariz. They will take a leisurely Christmas-morning horseback ride through the Sonoran Desert, followed by a midafternoon traditional feast in the lodge. By nightfall, as the desert air turns frosty, the family will sit in the communal living room in front of a crackling fire and ornament-laden tree, playing board games or reading books. "I love the idea of actually enjoying the holiday season," Jane says, "rather than merely enduring it."
Though plenty of baby boomers still strive, with varying success, to enact a Norman Rockwell image of holiday celebrations, a growing number have decided to make a change. "Boomers are increasingly looking to holidays for a little R. and R.," says Peter Yesawich, a boomer and chairman of Yesawich, Pepperdine, Brown & Russell, a marketing firm that specializes in the travel industry. "As one of the most time-impoverished groups--with careers, kids and aging parents--they look at holidays as one of the few times they can enjoy the family while escaping the demands of their jobs."
The new holiday festivities are often the brainchildren of professional women who in midlife are tired of doing weeks of work for minutes of pleasure (or pain). "Most boomer women were raised with traditional holiday celebrations," says Dotsie Bregel, founder ofwww.boomerwomenspeak.com a website in which women of a certain age share experiences and concerns. "They continued the traditions until their kids got older. Then, unlike their mothers, many said, ‘What about me?‘"
Miriam Friend, 57, counts herself in that group. "Until 10 years ago, I did all the traditional stuff at Passover," says Friend, of Staten Island, N.Y., "but my husband Abraham and I decided we needed a break from cleaning and cooking for the whole family." Off the couple went to the spa/resort Canyon Ranch in the Berkshire Mountains of western Massachusetts for the first of several Passover visits. At Canyon Ranch, a rabbi presides over the seder, and Miriam lights the candles. The meal is the usual--matzo-ball soup, gefilte fish, brisket--minus the high fat content. The rest of the holiday is spent hiking, working out, playing Wallyball and then luxuriating in the Jacuzzi, on the massage table or in a facial chair. "We come home totally relaxed," Friend says.
Many boomers switch their customs because they don‘t want to repeat the angst-filled holidays of their childhood. "In the past 20 years," says psychologist Marilyn J. Sorenson, author of Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem, "as boomers have moved into midlife, they no longer feel they have to do what doesn‘t feel right." As a 57-year-old mother succinctly puts it, "I no longer want to do the impossible for the ungrateful."
Divorce, remarriage, stepkids and ex-in-laws as well as kids scattered over the country have also reshaped the way boomers celebrate. Dianne Schwartz, 57, and her second husband, David, broke tradition last Christmas by going to Paris and leaving her four and his two grown kids to figure out how to celebrate without Mom and Dad. "I‘ve always done the whole Christmas thing," Dianne says, "but it‘s gotten harder with a blended family and most of our kids, ranging in age from 28 to 37, not living near us in Nashville." When the couple unveiled their plans, not every child was totally happy. Her 33-year-old daughter asked, "How can you desert us?" But it worked out fine. "You realize your kids can manage," Dianne says, adding that she did assuage her guilt with the one distraught daughter by cooking a traditional Christmas dinner for her and her friends four days before leaving for France.
No question, the way boomers have parented has contributed to new practices. "Our mothers defined good family life by cleaning the house, washing our clothes and making elaborate holiday meals," says Linda Dunlap, chair of the psychology department at Marist College. "We define it as connection, conversation and relaxation with our kids."
That is infinitely easier on a 10-day cruise to Mexico, as the Schiffer family of Santa Barbara, Calif., discovered last Thanksgiving. "For us, this was a celebration where the focus was on family fun rather than just food," says Howard Schiffer, 55, father of three and author of How to Be a Family--The Operating Manual. Not that the family didn‘t eat like kings. But more important, they had plenty of time to do things together, like surfing, swimming, exploring and shopping.
Experts note that the social phenomenon of people marrying and starting families later allows parents a gap during which they can break away from the old ways. Some couples with married kids complain that the next generation is too slow to change its approach to holidays. That‘s why parents like the Schwartzes take off and leave the adult kids to fend for themselves. "After our holiday in Paris," Dianne Schwartz says, "I realized I‘d needed to nudge the kids into starting their own traditions. After all, it‘s part of the growth process."
Then there‘s the commercial aspect. The rise in creative holiday celebrations coincides with the coming of age of the events-planning industry. "Twenty years ago, events planning was in its infancy. Today you can get a college degree in it," says Howard Givner, president of Paint the Town Red, an event-planning company in New York City. Add to that the multitude of sophisticated consumers who put a premium on their time. "It‘s worth it to many boomers to pay someone else to do the work," says Givner. "In the end, a turkey‘s a turkey. Who cares who cooked it?"
Resorts and cruise lines have risen to meet the new demand. The Broadmoor, a venerable hotel in Colorado Springs, Colo., has seen a 3% increase each year in the number of multigenerational families who celebrate holidays there. Canyon Ranch, which has enjoyed a steady Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter business, added Passover seders seven or eight years ago. They are populated mostly by couples, like the Friends, who leave the family behind to get a new type of R. and R.: religion and relaxation.
Whatever the motivation, one thing is certain: while traditional holidays will always be around, many boomers will be celebrating anywhere but at home. Consider Reese and Diane Jameson, 54 and 53, who were known in their Denver neighborhood for their extravagant Christmas decorations. They decided that when their young son no longer believed in Santa Claus, they would start hitting the road each December. Last year, with their son a worldly 12, they enjoyed Christmas dinner at Fisherman‘s Wharf, then roamed around San Francisco for five days. Norman Rockwell‘s vision? Hardly. But it worked, especially for Diane, a retired lawyer. "It didn‘t totally feel like Christmas," she says. "But we were together, and that‘s what matters."

Copyright ?2005 Time Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.Privacy Policy

_xyz