hongxia同学仿写案例

习作] 仿写周记

 

本来想把每周的练习一直发在一个帖子里，但是老师建议分开，所以分开了

但是分开后，每周的帖子都分着，沉在不同的楼层，找起来不方便，所以我就把他们都复制在这里。

隔段时间可以看看自己以前写的文章，顺便修改一下。呵呵，这样可以给自己心理安慰，觉得自己进步了。期末复习的时候，可以来这里找找思路和方法，给自己点信心。同时能时刻告诉自己加油，别放弃，坚持到底，一定比不坚持强。。

最近看了一句话，拿来告诫自己：想要做一件事，总会有办法的，想要不做一件事总会有借口的。

坚持到期末吧！！！

 

（61#） 发表于 2009-09-19 01:27 只看该作者     作者： lihongxia
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Some newspapers or stations report false news. They thought they would stay at large, but however they go out of business for fooling people and then lose their audience in the end.

 

这里面是他们愚弄了人，失去了读者，所以倒闭了。应该fooling和losing是并列的吧，不是go 和lose吧。

（62#） 发表于 2009-09-19 01:28 只看该作者     作者： lihongxia
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那个原文也许在我转换文本的时候丢了点什么吧，或者我调整格式的时候出了问题。所以会不明白，可惜，我看不出来。

（63#） 发表于 2009-09-19 01:31 只看该作者     作者： Tdengyajiao
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"Good news now comes to us in the form of documentaries: the fight against children’s cancer or AIDS, or the latest developments in the fight to save the planet from environmental pollution."

（64#） 发表于 2009-09-19 01:33 只看该作者     作者： lihongxia
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Good news now comes to us in the form of documentaries the fight against children’s cancer or AIDS, or the latest developments in the fight to save the planet from environmental pollution.
原文就是这样子的。

（65#） 发表于 2009-09-19 01:35 只看该作者     作者： Tdengyajiao
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因为原文打印错误。

所以红霞，不要依靠word来检查语法错误，也不要全信书本，要加强你自己的语法词汇知识。
（66#） 发表于 2009-09-19 01:37 只看该作者     作者： lihongxia
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我看的是剑桥雅思真题集一的扫描版，应该跟原书是一样的，那上面没有那个冒号。会不会出书的弄错了。 会不会是cambridge university press出错了
（67#） 发表于 2009-09-19 01:38 只看该作者     作者： Tdengyajiao
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那你告诉我这句话怎么理解呢？


（68#） 发表于 2009-09-19 01:39 只看该作者     作者： lihongxia
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好，我知道了老师，现在正在看张道真的语法书，看的时候感觉很简单，但是用起来却很难，最近在忙作业，所以搁置了几天，等作业弄好了，在继续看。

谢谢老师，谨记老师的话，不能全信书，要加强自己知识的积累。

（69#） 发表于 2009-09-19 01:40 只看该作者     作者： Tdengyajiao
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  晚安！
（70#） 发表于 2009-09-19 01:42 只看该作者     作者： lihongxia
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documentaries后面的应该是用来解释说明前面的话的吧，所以还是应该有个冒号的。

这里我可能想的是英文不加这个冒号，中文才加呢。如果它写了 for example 什么的，对我可能更容易理解。

我当时想的就是正面新闻是以.... 形式出现的，后面举得是个例子。
（71#） 发表于 2009-09-19 01:44 只看该作者     作者： lihongxia
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老师晚安，下周六又可以上课了，放假的时候看过您的PPT，觉得没什么意思，经过两周的仿写，我觉得那个PPT太有用了，下周要再好好看看。

睡个好觉，bye！
（72#） 发表于 2009-09-26 22:06 只看该作者     作者： lihongxia
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第二周

帖子浏览 发表于 2009-09-14 12:37 只看该作者  主题    编辑    帖子状态:    作者： lihongxia
访问:   158 人

[习作] 一起来仿写——第二周

 

老师的建议： 仿写练习根据自己的需求，可以有不同的方式来进行。课程PPT上面提到过，准确阅读理解之后，如要加强语言表达能力，可以挑出有用的词汇或表达法，或挑出有用的句型，然后进行仿写。如要掌握好的写作思路或篇章结构，可以先整理思路，然后进行仿写，或就类似主题用同样思路或结构进行练习写作。

这就是说：在下面大家跟贴放自己仿写习作的时候，希望大家把自己的着重点先拿出来：是语言？还是思路？而且：要把你阅读后作的笔记也贴在这里。然后是你的习作。所以，顺序：1）着重点 2）笔记 3）习作

The point of modeling would be to compare one?s practice writing with the original and then find room for improvement. So, you would be your best judge.
Now, my observations of your post here:
1) Your intended focus in this practice would be the thrust of argument, as you have stated above. Therefore, when you take notes, focus on that. When you do the practice writing, focus on that. Your notes here read more language-oriented than structure-oriented.
2) If you are rewrting one paragraph, focus on that paragraph, not the whole essay. Don’t confuse yourself with too much information at the beginning of modelling practice. With time, things will become easier.

          

第二周仿写段落：来自老师PPT P56

1.     Make an outline of the following paragraph, and use this outline/diagram to rewrite the following passage (Step 4). The Americans and the British not only speak the same language but also share a large number of social customs. For example, in both America and England, people shake hands when they meet each other for the first time. Also, most English men will open a door for a woman or offer their seat to a woman, and so will most Americans. Promptness is important both in England and in America. That is, if a dinner invitation is for 7 o'clock, the dinner guest either arrives close to that time or calls up to explain his delay. 2.     Use the same outline to write a paragraph on the similarities between Chinese cuisine and Japanese cuisine. (Task optional but encouraged.)

 

（1#） 发表于 2009-09-14 12:39 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
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第二周—1

第二周—1

1.      重点-结构 2.      笔记 总分结构 总体介绍区别 分述 1. 初次见面
          2. 对女士的礼仪                  3. 准时 3. 习作  Outline British and Americans share many social customs including greeting manners, social etiquettes, and promptness and so on.   Rewrite The Americans and the British not only speak the same language but share a great deal of social traditions. For instance, shaking hand is a common action for people meeting first time in both countries. Also, the rule of lady first is obeyed by English men and so will be by most Americans. Punctual for any things is their habit. That is, if a party invitation is for 9 o’clock, the guests either come near to that time or explain his late by phone.       对于老师的这个作业有点茫然，按照PPT，这部分应该是按照作者的思路和篇章的组织结构来改写，下一步是写同样主题的内容，那么这个改写就是改写一样的内容，但是怎么样用同样的结构改写一样的内容呢？我的想法就是换词，所以我在做重写的时候把更多的注意力放在了替换相同意思的词上了。怎么感觉这样做和老师的意思不符呢？
（2#） 发表于 2009-09-14 12:41 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
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响应老师号召，重新开了帖子，希望这样能方便老师点评，同时能方便大家选择。

其实写在一起是方便以后复习的时候查阅，不过这样也好，我可以自己保存起来，以后还方便打印出来呢。

老师，在第一周的帖子里，还有明玥平同学的仿写，希望老师别错过她的，呵呵，她也是很用功的好学生哦。

（3#） 发表于 2009-09-14 12:45 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
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窝把她的复制过来了，这样老师就不用去找了，呵呵

（18#） 发表于 2009-09-08 17:03 只看该作者     回复 作者： mingyueping
等级: 初级用户



老师PPT  P53 段落的改写：
Outline: The Americans and the British have lots similarities in their daily life, not only the language, but also their social customs. Rewrite: The Americans and the British have lots similarities, not only the same language but also share their social customs. For instance, living in these two countries, men will open a door for women and move chairs for them to sit down., under the virtue of ladies first. People in these two countries are always punctual-not too early, or too late, if not they will call up to explain it.
（4#） 发表于 2009-09-14 13:44 只看该作者     回复 作者： Tdengyajiao
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对于老师的这个作业有点茫然，按照PPT，这部分应该是按照作者的思路和篇章的组织结构来改写，下一步是写同样主题的内容，那么这个改写就是改写一样的内容，但是怎么样用同样的结构改写一样的内容呢？我的想法就是换词，所以我在做重写的时候把更多的注意力放在了替换相同意思的词上了。怎么感觉这样做和老师的意思不符呢？


-----------------

红霞同学：

你的这个outline写得很好， 总分结构 总体介绍区别 分述 1. 初次见面
          2. 对女士的礼仪                  3. 准时

然后老师的意图：老师的意图很简单，其一，就是让你们在阅读中能够明白原作者的思路，这样慢慢地能帮助你们有意识地提高阅读理解和阅读技能。

第二个意图：老师希望你们能够在仿写时，只根据自己总结的纲要思路--------把原文抛在一边-------来进行仿写。这样有两重用意：使用原文思路来进行写作，学会规范自己的写作习惯，避免课堂上提到的几种常见痛苦；另一方面，希望你能用自己的语言，来表达你已经明白的原文涵义。

所以，这样的仿写完成之后，重要的一步，是跟原文对比：a) 对比结构，思路，特别是思路的表达：是否用对了衔接词，是否用了合适的句型表达出正确的逻辑；b) 另外跟原文对比你的语言表达：用词，短语，等等。


仿写的阶段，是你练习写作的阶段；与原文比较，就是你检验，并且“提高”写作的时候了。

不知道大家清楚了吗？



Isabel
（5#） 发表于 2009-09-14 13:50 只看该作者     回复 作者： Tdengyajiao
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不知道这个论坛怎么回事，主贴的宽度与跟贴的宽度不同，而且发布跟贴时每一行系统自动断句，没有连贯性，影响阅读时的思路。

是系统问题，还是说我的电脑设置有问题？


:(

（6#） 发表于 2009-09-14 23:34 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
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老师：
那就是在step4阶段，我只是仿写结构，并且按照我的大纲把内容写进去，比如我写了那三点，那我就用自己的语言把那三点写出来就可以了，那在step5的时候，我可以用结构还有参考一些词汇和句型，是这样吗？谢谢老师。

格式的那个问题
可能是您是复制我的，系统就沿袭我用的那个格式，所以断句有点问题，一个方法是，您把我的复制到word里，在里面写，然后复制过来，还有一个就是可能离复制过来的内容远一点，会有改善。
还有这个论坛的编辑功能很低，很可能不是您的电脑问题。
帖子的宽度也会变化的，如果我是复制过来的东西，就很可能改变论坛上本来设置的宽度。

别烦恼，这些的是小问题，您教了，我们学会了才是最重要的，不是吗？
（7#） 发表于 2009-09-14 23:35 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
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看，我的也是这样，这完全就是系统问题了，而且我是没有复制任何东西，它就成这样了，拿它没脾气
（8#） 发表于 2009-09-14 23:40 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
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还有老师，第一周的第一段，您让我重写以后发上去，我已经重写了，您帮我看看重新写的怎么样，我感觉比第一次写的有进步，方法和想法完全不一样了。谢谢您哦
（9#） 发表于 2009-09-15 12:12 只看该作者     回复 作者： Tdengyajiao
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回复6楼

我不烦 :)   如果系统能改进那该多好


谢谢你告诉我格式的诀窍，一直没弄明白。


开完会来点评。

（10#） 发表于 2009-09-15 12:13 只看该作者     回复 作者： Tdengyajiao
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老师：
那就是在step4阶段，我只是仿写结构，并且按照我的大纲把内容写进去，比如我写了那三点，那我就用自己的语言把那三点写出来就可以了，那在step5的时候，我可以用结构还有参考一些词汇和句型，是这样吗？谢谢老师。


--------------

正解。参考并且学习。

还有，slide上面写的，可以根据这些另外写一篇不同主题但结构相仿的文章/段落。
（11#） 发表于 2009-09-15 13:16 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
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好，等老师的点评，

另外仿写不同主题但结构相同的文章是我明天要写的。这样这周就有了两个，在考虑第三部分要做什么呢，呵呵，这段看能不能利用三次，
（12#） 发表于 2009-09-15 19:26 只看该作者     回复 作者： Tdengyajiao
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Hongxia’s Rewrite

The Americans and the British not only speak the same language but share a great deal of social traditions. For instance, shaking hand is a common action for people meeting first time in both countries. Also, the rule of lady first is obeyed by English men and so will be by most Americans. Punctual for any things is their habit. That is, if a party invitation is for 9 o’clock, the guests either come near to that time or explain his late by phone.    


------------------

Tutor Feedback:

The structure is pretty close to the original, and the transitional phrases such as "for instance, also, and so will, that is" are well used to achieve coherence. Three cheers for you!

From your rewrite, I can tell that you have been working hard to find synonyms, which is pretty important in improving your writing. Your choice of synonyms is in general adequate, so congratulations.

Now, some room  for improvement: mostly it would be language issues.

1) a great deal of social traditions------> The phrase "a great deal of " modifies uncountable nouns.
2) For instance, shaking hand is a common action for people meeting first time in both countries. ----> get rid of a... action and see how it sounds to you.
3) .....is obeyed by English men and so will be by most Americans. ----> why two different tenses?
4) Punctual for any things is their habit. ----> Adjectives do not function as the subject of a sentence.
5) ......the guests either come near to that time or explain his late by phone.    ----> The word "near" is a preposition here.  The word "late" is not a noun.


Keep practising and make progress along the way.



Isabel


（13#） 发表于 2009-09-15 22:13 只看该作者     回复 作者： zhangyuxia2
等级: 初级用户



Hongxia,

Really hard working!
（14#） 发表于 2009-09-15 22:35 只看该作者     回复 作者： Tdengyajiao
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Yueping's Rewrite:


Outline: The Americans and the British have lots similarities in their daily life, not only the language, but also their social customs. (Isabel点评：Yueping你把outline理解为中心思想了，应该理解为纲要，在段落的层面，我们可以把它看作思路。)

（15#） 发表于 2009-09-15 22:47 只看该作者     回复 作者： Tdengyajiao
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Yueping’s Rewrite:

Rewrite: The Americans and the British have lots similarities, not only the same language but also share their social customs. For instance, living in these two countries, men will open a door for women and move chairs for them to sit down., under the virtue of ladies first. People in these two countries are always punctual-not too early, or too late, if not they will call up to explain it.

------------------------

Isabel点评：

Yueping, you have covered most of the information from the original. Good for you!

In fact, the benefit of the modelling practice is for you to compare your rewrite and the original and hence see room for improvement. Therefore, my comments would just be another modelling experience to help you see such room for improvement. 

1) Writing Issues
The paragraph ends a bit abruptly. You read it from beginning to end, and I believe you will feel the same way. To improve, create better coherence among sentences and further develop the topic sentence.

2) Language wise, you need to refine some parts a little bit. For example, the first sentence, "The Americans and the British have lots similarities, not only the same language but also share their social customs. "  The word "have" can be replaced by "share," and the "share" after "but also" must be dropped to be parallel with the part led by "not only," otherwise it is a grammar mistake.


Keep practising!

Remember, the point of modelling is to practise writing and to learn from the original.


Isabel

（16#） 发表于 2009-09-16 08:50 只看该作者     回复 作者： mingyueping
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Thanks, dear Isabel.
I didn't notice "not only the same language but also share their social customs" have grammar mistake.
Because I used "share" here, so I replaced "share" to "have" in the former sentence.
Next time I will pay more attention on coherence and the connection with the topic sentence.
（17#） 发表于 2009-09-16 09:31 只看该作者     回复 作者： mingyueping
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Layout: Main idea: Americans and British share the same language and social customs. Details supporting: 1. First time meet-shake hands 2. Ladies first-open door, offer seat for women 3. Punctuality-either early or late-if not explain   Rewrite: The Americans and British share lots similarities, not only the same language but also the social customs. For instance, when people from these two countries meet others the first time, they shake hands. Moreover they open a door or offer a seat for women, under the virtue of ladies first, especially in public place. In addition they are always punctual-not too early or too late, if not they will call up to explain.
（18#） 发表于 2009-09-16 10:15 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
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第一次改写的修改：

The Americans and the British not only speak the same language but share a number of social traditions. For instance, shaking hand is common for people meeting first time in both countries. Also, the rule of lady first is obeyed by English men and so by most Americans. Punctuality for any things is their habit. That is, if a party invitation is for 9 o’clock, the guests either come near to that time or explain his deferment by phone.       1. many of +可数 a few of + 可数 a good/great many + 可数名词复数 a (large) number of / (large) numbers of + 可数名词复数   a large/huge amount of / large amounts of + 不可数名词 a little + 不可数 a great deal of  + 不可数 a lot of/ lots of + 可数名词复数/不可数名词 plenty of +可数名词复数/不可数名词   2. action：doing something [uncountable]       the process of doing something, especially in order to achieve a particular thing. 如果我这里用了action是不是给人的感觉是有什么目的去做这件事情，而且action是不可数的名词，也不能用于 a common action.   3. 我以为 so will 那里是一个词组呢，呵呵，没注意是时态。原文的这里and so...这是个连词吗？还是这里是并且得意思吧，那so在这里是怎么回事呢？   4. 我把太多注意力放在找意思近似的词上了，以至于忽视了对词性的考虑，以后一定要多注意。   5. *
老师这是我从朗文查到的，这里面的near to和我用的是一个意思吧 Longman dictionary: near 2 short time before     soon before a particular time or event: I didn’t remember to phone until near the end of the week.   near to   especially British English  I’ll give you a ring a bit nearer to Christmas. They should send us more details   nearer the time    of the concert.

* delay postponement deferment 还是有不同的吧，但是好像从字典里看不出不同，难道他们是完全一样的？ Defer:  If you defer an event or action, you arrange for it to happen at a later date, rather than immediately or at the previously planned time.     Customers often defer payment for as long as possible...       = postpone, delay   Delay:  If you delay doing something, you do not do it immediately or at the planned or expected time, but you leave it until later.     For sentimental reasons I wanted to delay my departure until June...     So don’t delay, write in now for your chance of a free gift.       = postpone   Postpone:  If you postpone an event, you delay it or arrange for it to take place at a later time than was originally planned.
（19#） 发表于 2009-09-16 12:44 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
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2—不同主题仿写：

不同主题仿写： 1.      结构：  主题：鲸鱼不是鱼
 支持：用肺呼吸       胎生       哺乳    2. Outline The whale is a type of mammal, because they possess many features of mammals like breathing by lung, giving birth and drinking milk from mother’ body.   3.      习作： The whale is called as Jing Yu in Chinese. Because the name includes the word “Yu 鱼” which means fish，most of Chinese think the whale is a kind of fish not  mammal. However, in fact they are mammal for sharing the main features. For example, the whale breathes air by lung. Also, they give birth to live young and nurse their young like other mammals. The little whales drink milk from its mother’s body.
（20#） 发表于 2009-09-16 15:51 只看该作者     回复 作者： Tdengyajiao
等级: 2颗星



第一次改写的修改：

The Americans and the British not only speak the same language but share a number of social traditions. For instance, shaking hand is common for people meeting first time in both countries. Also, the rule of lady first is obeyed by English men and so by most Americans. Punctuality for any things is their habit. That is, if a party invitation is for 9 o’clock, the guests either come near to that time or explain his deferment by phone. 

---------------

Feedback: 

1) Also, the rule of lady first is obeyed by English men and so by most Americans. 
Also, the rule of lady first is obeyed by English men and most Americans as well. 

2) Punctuality for any things
Punctuality 


（21#） 发表于 2009-09-16 15:53 只看该作者     回复 作者： Tdengyajiao
等级: 2颗星



delay：随意迟缓或推迟。很强的迟到迟缓的含义。 postponement：先搁在一边，等其他事发生完成知道后再做。 deferment ：故意拖延，比postponement的语气更强。
（22#） 发表于 2009-09-16 15:56 只看该作者     回复 作者： Tdengyajiao
等级: 2颗星



Layout: Main idea: Americans and British share the same language and social customs. Details supporting: 1. First time meet-shake hands 2. Ladies first-open door, offer seat for women 3. Punctuality-either early or late-if not explain   Rewrite: The Americans and British share lots similarities, not only the same language but also the social customs. For instance, when people from these two countries meet others the first time, they shake hands. Moreover they open a door or offer a seat for women, under the virtue of ladies first, especially in public place. In addition they are always punctual-not too early or too late, if not they will call up to explain.


----------------------------


Very good, Yueping!


1) The Americans and British share lots similarities, not only the same language but also the social customs. 
The Americans and British share lots of similarities, not only the same language but also some social customs. 


2) Moreover they open a door or offer a seat for women, under the virtue of ladies first, especially in public place. 
Moreover, they will open a door or offer a seat for women, under the virtue of ladies first, especially in public places. 

（23#） 发表于 2009-09-18 08:29 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
等级: 4颗星

第二次修改

The Americans and the British not only speak the same language but share a number of social traditions. For instance, shaking hand is common for people meeting first time in both countries. Also, the rule of lady first is obeyed by English men and most Americans as well. Punctuality for any things is their habit. That is, if a party invitation is for 9 o’clock, the guests either come near to that time or explain his deferment by phone.
（24#） 发表于 2009-09-18 09:27 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
等级: 4颗星

第三段

第三段 Chinese cuisine and Japanese cuisine

Outline: Both cuisines are similar Example: 1. utensils                   2. ingredients  
                  3. methods for cooking        
Japanese culture originally derives from China, so both culture share many common features of cuisine. For example, wok, chopsticks, bowl are used in every process of cooking. Also, they use similar ingredients for cooking including soy, green Chinese onion, ginger, and so on. The methods for cooking are similar as well. Japanese and Chinese prepare dinner often by Dicing, steaming, boiling stir-frying ingredients every day.     和原文比较，原文更多的是实际事例的列举，句式富有变化。 我的习作，结构单一，只是列举几个词然后连成句子的样子。举例没有原文生动形象，比较干巴巴的。   举例成了个问题了，感觉每次都不好，原文的例子很简单，句式，用词也不难，可是我就是想不出来有什么例子可举，写的时候也用不上变化的句型。哎！！
（73#） 发表于 2009-09-29 00:10 只看该作者     作者： lihongxia
等级: 5颗星

第三周

帖子浏览 发表于 2009-09-20 21:27 只看该作者  主题    编辑    帖子状态:    作者： lihongxia
访问:   86 人

[习作] 一起来仿写——第三周
下面是雅思真题集里的一篇范文，一共三段，是这个星期仿写的，两天一段，正好一星期三段加之放假一天。
Cambridge practice tests for IELTS writing task2   Writing Task 2 You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
As part of a class assignment you have to write about the following topic: We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in
businesses, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things
will they be used for in the future? Is this dependence on computers a
good thing or should we he more auspicious of their benefits?
You should write at least 250 words.
Model answer 287 words
Computers are a relatively new invention. The first computers were built fifty years
ago and it is only in the last thirty or so years that their influence has affected our
everyday life. Personal computers were introduced as recently as the early
eighties. In this short time they have made a tremendous impact on our lives. We
are now so dependent on computers that it is hard to imagine what things would
be like today without them. You have only got to go into a bank when their main
computer is broken to appreciate the chaos that would occur if computers were
suddenly removed world-wide.
In the future computers will be used to create bigger and even more sophisticated
computers. The prospects for this are quite alarming. They will be so complex that
no individual could hope to understand how they work. They will bring a lot of
benefits but they will also increase the potential for unimaginable chaos. They will,
for example, be able to fly planes and they will be able to co ordinate the
movements of several planes in the vicinity of an airport. Providing all the
computers are working correctly nothing can go wrong. If one small program fails—disaster.
There is a certain inevitability that technology will progress and become
increasingly complex. We should, however, ensure that we are still in a position
where we are able to control technology. It will be all too easy to suddenly
discover that technology is controlling us. By then it might be too late I believe
that it is very important to be suspicious of the benefits that computers will bring
and to make sure that we never become totally dependent on a completely
technological world.



第一段： 1. world-wide 2. occur 3. chaos 4. appreciate 我想此处的意思是：充分理解（境况）；充分意识到 5. broken 计算机坏了用这个break 6. tremendous 7. In this short time 8. introduce 9. impact n.效果，影响 the effect or influence that an event, situation etc has on someone or something impact on/upon impact of v. American English to have an important or noticeable effect on someone or something impact on/upon 10. Affect v. 影响；对…有影响，对…起作用    To do something that produces an effect or change in something or in someone’s situation: 11. influence 影响；作用 n. the power to affect the way someone or something develops, behaves, or thinks without using direct force or orders: influence on/over 12. build 这里发明计算机用build，是因为很大，还是只是表示发明呢？ 13. relatively   第二段 1. in the future 2. sophisticated a 复杂的，精密的 (本文)   1 having a lot of experience of life, and good judgment about socially important things such as art, fashion etc:    2 a sophisticated machine, system, method etc is very well designed and very advanced, and often works in a complicated way:    3 having a lot of knowledge and experience of difficult or complicated subjects and therefore able to understand them well:    Sophisticate   n.    someone who is sophisticated —sophistication n      [uncountable]    a New York nightclub that wasthe height of sophistication (=very fashionable and expensive) 3. prospects 4. alarming 5. individual 6. increase the potential for 7. vicinity 8. program fail

第三段： 1. inevitability 2. technology 3. technological 4. computers will bring 5. by then then 1.at a particular time in the past or future: by/until/since then     They're sending out the results next week, so we won't know anything until then. It was late evening when the doctor arrived, and by then it was too late. That was in 1970. Since then the place has changed a lot. They met in 1942 and from then on (=starting at that time) they were firm friends. Silently she closed the door. Just then she heard a noise. I was paid £1000, which was a lot of money back then (=a long time ago when things were different) in the 1950s.
（1#） 发表于 2009-09-21 07:08 只看该作者     回复 作者： wangfei9
等级: 初级用户



Is it your own writting or a example?
（2#） 发表于 2009-09-21 09:35 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
等级: 4颗星

wangfei9

是我这周准备仿写的文章
（3#） 发表于 2009-09-21 11:33 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
等级: 4颗星

第一段

第一段：
通过题目 As part of a class assignment you have to write about the following topic: We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in businesses, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things will they be used for in the future? Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we he more suspicious of their benefits?   我想这篇文章至少两部分， 一个是未来的应用What things will they be used for in the future? 一个是是否有疑虑：Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we he more suspicious of their benefits?     原文： Computers are a relatively new invention. The first computers were built fifty years ago and it is only in the last thirty or so years that their influence has affected our everyday life. Personal computers were introduced as recently as the early eighties. In this short time they have made a tremendous impact on our lives. We are now so dependent on computers that it is hard to imagine what things would be like today without them. You have only got to go into a bank when their main computer is broken to appreciate the chaos that would occur if computers were suddenly removed world-wide.   1.     重点：思路 2.     笔记 第一段：第一句：是第一部分的主题句。          一二三句：简短介绍了电脑的发展。          第四句：是过渡句，电脑很大的影响了人们          第五句：作者担心没有电脑怎么办          第六句：举例 电脑是个新事物，但影响越来越大。因为人们越来越依赖电脑，所以作者担心这种依赖的后果。   3.     习作: The computer was applied in special field before 1980’ and no one predicted that the computer would influence this world so much. The first computer was so big and difficult to be used in daily life, however, the personal computer has become smaller and smaller and it can be carried with you at all time. For a common person, the computer was just used to type a document or play games fifteen years ago, but now computers full of everyday from life to work. Without computers, people even can’t make a phone, because computer plays a role almost in every corner. As a result of it, people have to think what we should do without computers.   1.     第一二句介绍电脑发展 2.     第三句是过渡，从电脑发展过渡到电脑对人们的影响。 3.     四五句表明我对电脑影响的担忧，没有电脑怎么办。 我的习作中用了新旧对比的方法写的发展，可能没有原文条理性那么清晰。感觉原文比我写的简练，但是这次我也开始学习加入例子了，但是还有点力不从心，太不善于举例子了。   这次是按照老师说的，完全没有看原文按照已经理出来的思路写的。但是写完了再看先前理出来的思路时发现先前想的好像有清楚的地方，比如第一句和第四句的作用就是我后改的。
（4#） 发表于 2009-09-22 15:53 只看该作者     回复 作者： Tluxin
等级: 1 颗星



lihong 同学通过仿写逐渐有了自己的写作心得，这一点非常好。正如你所说的，要学习加入例子，这就是汉英的一个区别：英语更加的specific.相信假以时日，你的英文写作一定会更加地道。 有些语言问题需要注意：
1 at all time 应为 all the time /at any time
2 type a document 不地道， 直接说type 就可以了
3 computers full of every day 表达不清楚， 该句子没有谓语动词
4 As a result 就可以了
5 think 要加about

  
（5#） 发表于 2009-09-22 15:57 只看该作者     回复 作者： Tluxin
等级: 1 颗星



另外， 我觉得“Without computers....."这句的因果关系不是很明晰，没有电脑，人们连电话都打不了，这是由于电脑在各个方面都发挥作用。这个原因还是有些general
（6#） 发表于 2009-09-23 09:21 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
等级: 4颗星



第一段修改   The computer was applied in special field before 1980’ and no one predicted that the computer would influence this world so much. The first computer was so big and difficult to be used in daily life, however, the personal computer has become smaller and smaller and it can be carried with you at any time. For a common person, the computer was just used to type or play games fifteen years ago, but now the computer have been full of everyday from life to work. Without computers, people can’t withdraw money from bank or even can’t work easily, because computer plays a role almost in every corner. As a result, people have to think about what we should do without computers.

3 computers full of every day 表达不清楚， 该句子没有谓语动词
..................................................... 谢谢老师，这个是我以为full是动词呢。

5 think 要加about
.................................................... 我以为后面加个句子的时候就不用加about了呢。   但是老师我查了字典，下面是朗文的解释，这个用法和我的不一样吗？ 2 use your mind [intransitive and transitive]       to use your mind to solve something, decide something, imagine something etc: She thought very carefully before answering. Wait a minute - I’m thinking.   think about/of     She lay awake thinking about the money.   think what/how/when etc I can’t think what else we could have done.   think (long and) hard (=think for a long time)     She thought very hard before deciding to leave her job. Holmes sat   thinking deeply (=thinking in a serious and careful way).   6. 我觉得“Without computers....."这句的因果关系不是很明晰，没有电脑，人们连电话都打不了，这是由于电脑在各个方面都发挥作用。这个原因还是有些general。
......................................................
这里我想的是连最简单的事情都做不了了，所以电脑在各个方面发挥最用。老师的建议我想不出来怎么做。 我现在改成了说的具体一点的，没有电脑不能取钱，不能很方便的工作。所以… …。这样可以吗？ 对老师说的这点，我可能还是不太明白。麻烦老师再解释一下。谢谢
（7#） 发表于 2009-09-23 10:42 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
等级: 4颗星

仿写第二段

仿写第二段： 原文： In the future computers will be used to create bigger and even more sophisticated computers. The prospects for this are quite alarming. They will be so complex that no individual could hope to understand how they work. They will bring a lot of benefits but they will also increase the potential for unimaginable chaos. They will, for example, be able to fly planes and they will be able to co-ordinate the movements of several planes in the vicinity of an airport. Providing all the computers are working correctly nothing can go wrong. If one small program fails—disaster.   1.     重点—思路 2.     笔记 我觉得第一段总体介绍现在的情况，以及一些担忧 这段是介绍将来的情况和担忧，内容符合题目要求，而且主题内容连贯。 1.2 句延续上段思想，表明作者对电脑的未来也是但担忧的。 3.4. 原因。我觉得原文的原因比较具体 5.6 给了例子。 3. 习作： As the computer gaining more popularity, in future people must invent more powerful and intelligent computers to help people work or live conveniently and comfortably. However, is that a good thing for the human being? What will people do in the future? We will just do nothing except inventing computers and using computers, because computers replace human totally. For instance, an intelligence robot would replace us to do housework or take care of our baby. Computer would control bank system, plans system and any other systems. The human race would lose their abilities and intelligence at that time.   写的时候思路有点混乱，只要是没考虑过这个问题，临时现想，找不到要说的内容，完全是把脑子里能想的的都写了。我想这也是考试的时候我会出现的问题，遇到自己不了解的或者没经历过的话题就大脑空白。也许用老师上课教的Brainstorming的方法也许会好点，现在还不习惯用那个方法，还是老路子，拿来就写，边写边想，有时候就有点乱了。下次一定要注意。写作顺序有问题。
（8#） 发表于 2009-09-25 10:32 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
等级: 4颗星



仿写第三段： 原文： There is a certain inevitability that technology will progress and become increasingly complex. We should, however, ensure that we are still in a position where we are able to control technology. It will be all too easy to suddenly discover that technology is controlling us. By then it might be too late I believe that it is very important to be suspicious of the benefits that computers will bring and to make sure that we never become totally dependent on a completely technological world.   1.      重点-思路 2.      笔记 第二段讲的是计算机和复杂，计算机的发展增加了潜在的危险。 第三段所以人们要时刻惊醒。 感觉第三段是总结加点明题目要求的段落 第一句延续上文内容，计算机发展的会更复杂 第二句作者的解决方法 第三句解释 第四句点明题目和作者观点。 3.      习作 It will be horrible that one day we just eat and relax and then sleep whole days. Computer would control everything and take care of us. I don’t think that will be the meaning of life. So, this dependence on computers is not a good thing and we should he more auspicious of their benefits. People must be aware of being controlled and losing way. We do need enjoy life, but even more, to create life and master life by ourselves. 写的时候有点思路混乱，因为发现原文整个文章是有主线的，而我分段写的时候没有考虑整体性，所以不知所云了。
（9#） 发表于 2009-09-25 10:52 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
等级: 4颗星

全文：

300 words：
The computer was applied in special field before 1980’ and no one predicted that the computer would influence this world so much. The early computer was too big to be used in daily life. However, the personal computer has become smaller and smaller and it can be carried with you at any time. For a common person, the computer was just used to type or play games fifteen years ago, but now the computer have been full of everyday from life to work. Without computers, people can’t withdraw money from bank or even can’t work easily, because computer plays a role almost in every corner. As a result, people have to think about what we should do without computers.   As the computer gaining more popularity, in future people must invent more powerful and intelligent computers to help people work or live conveniently and comfortably. Nevertheless, is that a good thing for the human being? What will people do in the future? We would just do nothing except inventing computers and using computers, because computers replace human totally. For instance, an intelligence robot would replace us to do housework or take care of our baby. Computer would control bank system, plans system and any other systems. The human race would lose their abilities and intelligence at that time.   It will be horrible that one day we just eat and relax and then sleep whole days. Computer would control everything and take care of us. I don’t think that will be the meaning of life. So, this dependence on computers is not a good thing and we should he more auspicious of their benefits. People must be aware of being controlled and losing way. We do need enjoy life, but even more, to create life and master life by ourselves.   我觉得原文从第一段开始就贯穿了主线，他都是围绕复杂性来说的。举的例子也是有这个偏向的。而我的作文开始的时候没有想到主要写哪个方面，以至于后来没有了连贯的东西，等到发现问题改的时候，第二三段却又像是在重复内容。现在让我回想，我好像不看文章仍然会想不完全原文的脉络，这个可能说明我还是理解的不好，所以不对照原文写的话就会出现偏离。 下次仿写的时候，要先把原文的主线理出来，然后把自己的大纲主线列出来，先把框架弄对了，或者弄清楚了再写，估计好点。   顺序： 1.      理解原文的outline，作者为什么这样写，段落之间的联系。 2.      根据题目进行头脑风暴，想想自己有哪些内容可写的。 3.      把内容归类 4.      列出自己文章的大纲 5.      仿写，不看原文，根据已经写好的大纲来写 6.      检查，一些低级错误还是先自查吧 7.      总结，发现问题及时改正。   坚持练习真的很难，总是发现不足，发现错误，很容易萌生不会有进步的放弃心理。现在是只做，不想比较好。
（10#） 发表于 2009-09-26 23:50 只看该作者     回复 作者： Tluxin
等级: 1 颗星



5 think 要加about
.................................................... 我以为后面加个句子的时候就不用加about了呢。   但是老师我查了字典，下面是朗文的解释，这个用法和我的不一样吗？ 2 use your mind [intransitive and transitive]       to use your mind to solve something, decide something, imagine something etc: She thought very carefully before answering. Wait a minute - I’m thinking.   think about/of     She lay awake thinking about the money.   think what/how/when etc I can’t think what else we could have done.   think (long and) hard (=think for a long time)     She thought very hard before deciding to leave her job. Holmes sat   thinking deeply (=thinking in a serious and careful way).  ------------------------------------------------------------------
To lihongxia:

我也又查了下，你说的对，think 后可以不加about 直接加特殊疑问词
（11#） 发表于 2009-09-26 23:57 只看该作者     回复 作者： Tluxin
等级: 1 颗星



6. 我觉得“Without computers....."这句的因果关系不是很明晰，没有电脑，人们连电话都打不了，这是由于电脑在各个方面都发挥作用。这个原因还是有些general。
......................................................
这里我想的是连最简单的事情都做不了了，所以电脑在各个方面发挥最用。老师的建议我想不出来怎么做。 我现在改成了说的具体一点的，没有电脑不能取钱，不能很方便的工作。所以… …。这样可以吗？ 对老师说的这点，我可能还是不太明白。麻烦老师再解释一下。谢谢
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------keu
你说的“连最简单的事都做不了”其实就是个specific 的例子。 我的原意是，没有电脑，人们连电话都打不了。这是个因果关系。后面你又说这是由于电脑在各方面发挥作用， 又是个因果， 其实二者有些重复。
你现在说没有电脑不能取钱，那么也要说明是由于现在银行的电子化，否则有些突兀。没有电脑不能很方便的工作，我觉得可能还是有些general
（12#） 发表于 2009-09-27 23:28 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
等级: 4颗星



谢谢老师，有点明白了。

怎么觉得自己的逻辑思维能力有点问题哦
（74#） 发表于 2009-10-10 15:12 只看该作者     作者： lihongxia
等级: 5颗星

第四周

帖子浏览 发表于 2009-09-28 00:01 只看该作者  主题    编辑    帖子状态:    作者： lihongxia
访问:   60 人

{习作}一起来仿写—第四周

 

  这次找个已经整理好思路的来看看：   托福高分作文思路＋范文完美重排版
 Why people attend college? People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.   『分析』 说明人们选择上大学的具体原因(一个或者多个)： 增加经验、拓展知识、开阔视野 为了实现理想(ideal; idealistic)(如，周恩来就是为中华之崛起而读书) 为了保证将来的就业机会 父母要求子女上大学 别人都上大学了，所以自己也选择读书 找不到工作
("无知"，总是一部分人做出某个选择的理由。上大学如是[1]，去博物馆如是[12]，从事危险运动亦如是[43]。)   『范文』 After graduating from high school many young people have the option to directly enter the work force. Most students who have the opportunity, however, decide to go to college before finding jobs.They attend college to obtain more choices,-higher salaries, and more opportunities for advancement in an increasingly competitive job market.   Before attending college, students have a limited opportunity to specialize. After obtaining a specific college degree a job applicant can be competitive for previously unavailable jobs. For instance, applicants with Computer Science degrees would not only be qualified for jobs in high-tech companies, they would also be well prepared for any job with computer skills as a prerequisite. With a larger range of potential jobs to choose from, degree holders are more likely to find a job that suits their particular needs and interests.   Additionally, employers are willing to pay a premium for highly qualified applicants. For example, many companies desire employees who are competent in more than one language and offer higher salaries to attract them. Even if a job applicant without a college degree has high standardized test scores, employers may still place a higher value on an applicant with similar test scores who also possesses credentials from a well-known university. Because of the extent to which a college degree is accepted by employers as proof of competence in a given field, college graduates are not only more likely to receive more job offers, they can also command higher salaries than applicants who lack college diplomas.   Finally, in addition to offering more choices and higher salaries, a college degree offers access to jobs with a clear path towards professional advancement. A B.S. in biology, for example, could allow a student to find a job in a lab after graduation, a first step on the road towards a career in scientific research. The same major could also be used to apply to medical school, and a career as a doctor. Both of these avenues would be unavailable without taking the first step of an undergraduate degree in biology.  

 

（1#） 发表于 2009-09-28 00:10 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
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周六上面授课，又发现自己仿写好像还是有问题，老师说的是理解以后，不看原文，把原文的内容用自己的话和理解重新写出来。但是我每次都写了不同的内容。哎！ 咋这笨呢。

以后写完了，要先闷闷，上午写完了，晚上修改后，再发，呵呵，这样也许自己可以看出问题呢。
（2#） 发表于 2009-09-28 13:23 只看该作者     回复 作者： Tdengyajiao
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老师说的是理解以后，不看原文，把原文的内容用自己的话和理解重新写出来。

====〉这个是指同学们旨在提高语言表达和语言质量的练习。


如果大家想要锻炼思路，就用类似结构写关于另外topic的文章。

这下都明白了吧？

（3#） 发表于 2009-09-28 13:25 只看该作者     回复 作者： Tdengyajiao
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以后写完了，要先闷闷，上午写完了，晚上修改后，再发，呵呵，这样也许自己可以看出问题呢。

============

是的，自己的改写，最能获益。


（4#） 发表于 2009-09-28 13:26 只看该作者     回复 作者： Tdengyajiao
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还有，我每次都说：与原文对比，就是大家提高的时候。这就是说：在自己想要表达同样意思的时候，我们作为英文学习者往往不能够完全使用地道的表达法，比较之后，你就知道自己在表达什么意思的时候有欠缺，而原文的表达法，就是大家的老师了。

:)
（5#） 发表于 2009-09-28 20:27 只看该作者     回复 作者： yueyi
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回复4楼

这回明白了
（6#） 发表于 2009-09-29 00:06 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
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范文主要是从上大学和职业发展的关系来写为什么要上大学。作者的观点是上大学有利于职业发展，提出了三个支持观点： 1.      上大学能有更多的工作机会。例子：计算机技能 2.      有了大学文凭，雇主愿意付更多的钱。 3.      有了大学文凭，职业道路会更顺利。例子：biology field

第一段仿写：   一，重点： 我想这次是仿写是同一题目，所以重点放在了语言上 第一段：总体介绍，表明观点。 After graduating from high school many young people have the option to directly enter the work force. Most students who have the opportunity, however, decide to go to college before finding jobs. They attend college to obtain more choices, higher salaries, and more opportunities for advancement in an increasingly competitive job market.   二，习作： Although students graduating from high school choose to enter work force to find a job, it is a better choice to go up to universities or colleges for improving knowledge or getting more experiences. From a career point, a university diploma is an entrée to begin your career and obtain more work opportunities. In addition, college degree is a weight of getting high positions or salaries.   三，笔记：  先理解了思路，然后写同样的内容，所以是写了习作来作比较。 1.      第一句的结构看上去有点怪怪的，不知道为什么，没有原文说的那么直接，有层次？ 2.      第二句说理由部分用词好像不怎样，有点生硬吧。 3.      原文比较好的用词 Obtain more choices More opportunities for advancement In an increasingly competitive market 4. 怎么越看这篇文章，我仿写的就越不好呢？问题出在哪里呢？太晚了？脑子不好使了？早上看觉得还可以的哦，恼人的是不知道怎么修改。

第二版

Although students graduations (graduating) from high school choose to enter work force to find a job, it is a better choice to go up to universities or colleges for improving knowledge or getting more experiences. From a career point, a university diploma is an entrée to begin a (your) career and obtain more work opportunities. In addition, college degree is a weight of getting high positions or salaries.

（7#） 发表于 2009-09-30 23:56 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
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第二段

第二段仿写： 连词使用出现问题。 原文： Before attending college, students have a limited opportunity to specialize. After obtaining a specific college degree a job applicant can be competitive for previously unavailable jobs. For instance, applicants with Computer Science degrees would not only be qualified for jobs in high-tech companies, they would also be well prepared for any job with computer skills as a prerequisite. With a larger range of potential jobs to choose from, degree holders are more likely to find a job that suits their particular needs and interests. 1.     重点—语言 2.     习作： Before  entering universities, the job opportunities would be limited. However, after graduating from university, they are competitive  for more jobs or get job opportunities easier. For example,  appliants with English langage degrees  would not only be qulified for interpreter, they would  also be well-prepared for other jobs with English language skill. With a good start,  the gradidutes are more likeyly to find a job which is their faverite job and devote theirselves to their career entirly. Because of that,  their future would be brilliont.   3.     笔记
文章同样是先阐述观点，有了大学文凭可以申请到好的工作，然后用例证，计算机专业的学生，不仅能做计算机的专业工作，还能为做其他工作做好准备。 我怎么发现好像很多文章并不像想象中的那样句句都要用连词来衔接。比如我的仿写开始就用了however来衔接，我觉得如果不写好像就没有那个转折或者对比的感觉。但是原文没有，上次仿的一篇也有几个地方是这样。 由此开始对连词的使用有点疑虑了，不应该是连词用的多，就越连贯。但是什么时候用连词，什么时候不用，这个好像把握起来有点问题。

第二版：
Before entering universities, the job opportunities would be limited. However, after graduation from university, they are competitive for more jobs or get job opportunities easier. For example, applicants with English language degrees would not only be qualified as interpreters, they would also be well-prepared for other jobs with English language skills. With a good start, the college graduates are more likely to find a job which is their favorite job and devote themselves to their career entirely. Because of that, their future would be brilliant.

（8#） 发表于 2009-09-30 23:56 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
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回复2楼

谢谢老师，明白了
（9#） 发表于 2009-09-30 23:57 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
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回复5楼

o， 岳岳也来了
（10#） 发表于 2009-10-05 16:31 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
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第三段仿写：

原文：

    Additionally, employers are willing to pay a premium for highly qualified applicants. For example, many companies desire employees who are competent in more than one language and offer higher salaries to attract them. Even if a job applicant without a college degree has high standardized test scores, employers may still place a higher value on an applicant with similar test scores who also possesses credentials from a well-known university. Because of the extent to which a college degree is accepted by employers as proof of competence in a given field, college graduates are not only more likely to receive more job offers, they can also command higher salaries than applicants who lack college diplomas.

 

仿写|：

    Additionally, employers would like to pay a premium for (pay for) high qualified (quality) applicants. For example, employees offer high salaries and better welfare to applicants who are competent in more than one foreign language for attracting them. Even if an applicant gains high standardized test marks (of some kind of tests) but no college diploma, (the) employers prefer a person who graduated from a university with the similar test scores (and has the same marks). Because of university diploma which is regarded by employers as (a) proof of competence in a specified（special） field, the college graduates are not only more likely to (not only) obtain more work opportunities but also ask for higher salary than applicants who lack college diplomas.

1.    重点 – 语言      2.     笔记： 1）老板愿意付保险，例子 2）即使有分数但是没有证书，老板更愿意用一样分数，但是有大学毕业证的。 3）因为有那个证明大，学毕业生不仅能够有更多工作机会，还可以提出高工资的要求。
       3. 习作： 第一句原文： Additionally, employers are willing to pay a premium for highly qualified applicants. For example, many companies desire employees who are competent in more than one language and offer higher salaries to attract them.    第一句仿写： Additionally, employers would like to pay a premium for (pay for) high qualified (quality) applicants. For example, employees offer high salaries and better welfare to applicants who are competent in more than one foreign language for attracting them. 第一段：1. applicant in在某方面能胜任。Applicant a         2. Pay for         3. Salary (u & uc) 是说有很多人，一份一份的工资可以用可数嘛，最讨厌名词既可数又不可数了。         4. More than one         5. 原文用了desire感觉比我用的offer有感情色彩。             6. quality：n品质，质量improve quality/ suffer quality           qualified： a符合资格，具有资格 be qualified , get/become qualified    第二句原文： Even if a job applicant without a college degree has high standardized test scores, employers may still place a higher value on an applicant with similar test scores who also possesses credentials from a well-known university.  第二句仿写： Even if an applicant gains high standardized test marks (of some kind of tests) but no college diploma, (the) employers prefer a person who graduated from a university with the similar test scores (and has the same marks). 1.     感觉原句用了without和with两个词比较简洁和明了，我的有点复杂了，而且关系好像也不清楚。 2.     place v. opportunity to do something     if someone has a place somewhere, they have the opportunity to go there or join in an activity place in     If you don’t come to training you might lose your place in the team. We’ve been trying to find her a place in a residential home. place on    He was offered a place on the management committee. There are still a couple of places left on the course. place at     I’ve been offered a place at York University.  3. credentials [plural] 1    someone’s education, achievements, experience etc that prove they have the ability to do something credentials for/as She had excellent credentials for the job. There are doubts over his credentials as a future Prime Minister. He spent the first part of the interview trying to   establish   his credentials      as a financial expert. Her academic credentials include an MA and a PhD. 2    a letter or other document which proves your good character or your right to have a particular position: The commissioner presented his credentials to the State Department.    第三句原文： Because of the extent to which a college degree is accepted by employers as proof of competence in a given field, college graduates are not only more likely to receive more job offers, they can also command higher salaries than applicants who lack college diplomas. 第三句仿写： Because of university diploma which is regarded by employers as (a) proof of competence in a specified（special） field, the college graduates are not only more likely to (not only) obtain more work opportunities but also ask for higher salary than applicants who lack college diplomas. 原文第一句看着有点陌生 1. to ... extent used to say how true something is or how great an effect or change is  to a lesser/greater extent (=less or more)  It will affect farmers in Spain and to a lesser extent in France. They examined    the extent to which (=how much)    age affected language-learning ability. To what extent (=how much)     did she influence his decision? 3.     proof又是一个可数不可数同有的词 4.     given adjective specified or stated 规定的；指明的 Given我想成是特殊的意思了。 5.     感觉原来我的最后一句好像说的不清楚。 6.     not only, but also的用法有点模糊了。 是放在动词后面  7. more likely to不熟悉的词组     likely： something that is likely will probably happen or is probably true [ more/less/most/least likely  Young drivers are far more likely to have accidents than older drivers. It is   more than likely (=almost certain)   the votes will have to be counted again. It could have been an accident, but that was hardly likely (=not very likely). He could offer no    likely explanation     when I asked him.

（11#） 发表于 2009-10-05 16:39 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
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怎么感觉用这个方法仿写很有意思啊，好像有人随时给修改一样，能马上发现一些问题，挺有趣的。

不过下次要先翻译一遍，不然脑子里有点记不住原文写的是什么。

这个让我想起了成功指南二里面的翻译法学习写作了，呵呵，没想到一不小心用到了成功指南里面去了。
（12#） 发表于 2009-10-05 16:41 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
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没谱的论坛排版
（13#） 发表于 2009-10-08 14:16 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
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第四段仿写

Finally, in addition to offering more choices and higher salaries, a college degree offers access to jobs with a clear path towards professional advancement. A B.S. in biology, for example, could allow a student to find a job in a lab after graduation, a first step on the road towards a career in scientific research. The same major could also be used to apply to medical school, and a career as a doctor. Both of these avenues would be unavailable without taking the first step of an undergraduate degree in biology.

最后，加之提供更多机会，更高的工资，大学文凭提供了职业发展的一条明确的道路。例如， AB.S的生物专业，学生们可以在毕业后找到在实验室的工作，开始他们进入科学研究职业生涯的第一步。同样的专业也可以申请医学院的工作，开始医生的职业。这两条道路如果没有第一步生物学专业的大学毕业文凭，那么都是不可能的。

 

in addition    used to add another piece of information to what you have just said:

The company provides cheap Internet access. In addition, it makes shareware freely available.

in addition to something  

In addition to his movie work, Redford is known as a champion of environmental causes.  

additionally [sentence adverb]

in addition [= also]:

A new contract is in place. Additionally, staff will be offered a bonus scheme.

 

原文：

Finally, in addition to offering more choices and higher salaries, a college degree offers access to jobs with a clear path towards professional advancement. A B.S. in biology, for example, could allow a student to find a job in a lab after graduation, a first step on the road towards a career in scientific research. The same major could also be used to apply to medical school, and a career as a doctor. Both of these avenues would be unavailable without taking the first step of an undergraduate degree in biology.

仿写：

Finally, in addition to offering more work opportunities and higher salary, the college degree provides a clear path towards professional career. A B.S, for example, in biology, allows their students to find a job in labs after graduated, which is the first step to start the science research career. The same major can be used to apply to medicine school and then start the doctor’s career. Both paths are unavailable without undergraduate.

 

1.      choice & work opportunity  我觉得两个都可以。

2.      offers access to jobs with & provide :

 access这个词一直是我不知道怎么正确使用的词，老师一直说这个词比较好，看来要学习一下。

Access （新牛津英汉双解）

the right or opportunity to use or benefit from something

使用机会；使用权

do you have access to a computer?.

你有机会用计算机吗？。

awards to help people gain access to training.

帮助人们获得培训机会的补贴。                                                                                                               

Access （朗文）

the right to enter a place, use something, see someone etc

access to   

Access to the papers is restricted to senior management.

Cats should always have access to fresh, clean water. 这句话啥意思，咋有点看不懂呢？

看了双解的解释，我怎么觉得access可以想为机会的意思呢。英英和双解的解释好像有点不一样呢

3.      professional advancement & professional career : 我觉得我的写错了，professional就有职业的意思，原文是职业发展，我的是专业的职业。和原来的意思不一样。

professional advancement： 职业发展。

4.      AB.S in biology & AB.S, for example, in biology: 我觉得这里我写错了，不应该把for example插在这里

5.      graduation &graduated：我想这两个在这里是有区别的吧，还是这里不能用guaduated，有点不清楚，用过去分词表示结束，after graduated，是不是after已经表示了以后了，再用过去分词表示过去就有点奇怪啊，两个表示过去的了。所以这里直接用毕业的名词形式就可以了呢。 

graduation （朗文）

    [uncountable] the time when you complete a university degree course or your education at an American  high school:

After graduation Neil returned to Ohio.

On graduation (=after completing a first degree), Nancy became an art teacher.

6.      a first step on the road towards a career in scientific research.

            &

which is the first step to start the science research career.

原文中直接在逗号后写，解释前面的内容，不用加连词，我还用了个which表示，是不是这个有点多余哦，

On the road

Career in

7.  medical school & medicine school : 我写错了，医学院是medical school

Medical a.  medicine n.

8.      and a career as a doctor.

&

and then start the doctor’s career

是不是我写的太中文化了啊，还是我理解错了原文的意思呢，原文的意思是可以去申请在医学院工作，并且成为一个医生不知道意思对不，两句之间是并列的关系吗？我写的意思是申请进入医学院，然后成为医生。怎么感觉意思不通呢。

9. Both of these avenues would be unavailable without taking the first step of an undergraduate degree in biology.

    &

 Both paths are unavailable without undergraduate.

Avenue：（朗文）

a possible way of achieving something:

The president wants to explore every avenue towards peace in the region.

There are many avenues open to researchers.

我用了path有点重复了，而且可能意思没有原文的avenue的意思好

原文用了would，语气估计比我的有意义。

后半部分表述的比我的清楚，因果关系也表述得比我的明确。

 

 

这么写时间很长哦，大概用了一个小时，估计如果不打出来，只是自己想想用不了这么长时间，写用了十来分钟吧，其他时间都在对比。如果不写出来，可能印象不深刻加之一想而过没有进行仔细的考虑，可能效果也不好，哎，时间长点就长点吧。

（14#） 发表于 2009-10-08 14:39 只看该作者     回复 编辑 作者： lihongxia
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仿写全文：

仿写全文： Although students graduations from high school choose to enter work force to find a job, it is a better choice to go up to universities or colleges for improving knowledge or getting more experiences. From a career point, a university diploma is an entrée to begin a career and obtain more work opportunities. In addition, college degree is a weight of getting high positions or salaries.   Before entering universities, the job opportunities would be limited. However, after graduation from university, they are competitive for more jobs or get job opportunities easier. For example, applicants with English language degrees would not only be qualified as interpreters, they would also be well-prepared for other jobs with English language skills. With a good start, the college graduates are more likely to find a job which is their favorite job and devote themselves to their career entirely. Because of that, their future would be brilliant.    Additionally, employers would like to pay a premium for high qualified applicants. For example, employees offer high salaries and better welfare to applicants who are competent in more than one foreign language for attracting them. Even if an applicant gains high standardized test marks but no college diploma, employers prefer a person who graduated from a university with the similar test scores. Because of university diploma which is regarded by employers as  proof of competence in a specified field, the college graduates are not only more likely to  obtain more work opportunities but also ask for higher salary than applicants who lack college diplomas.   Finally, in addition to offering more work opportunities and higher salary, the college degree provides a clear path towards professional advancement. A B.S in biology, for example, allows their students to find a job in labs after graduation, which is the first step to start a career in science research. The same major could be used to apply to medicinal school and then start the doctor’s career. Both paths are unavailable without undergraduate.