Monologue精选：Just Did It

Monologue精选：Just Did It

"SoJeb Bush is running for president. I don’t know about the rest of thecountry, but thank God, ladies and gentlemen, the comedy recession isover!" —David Letterman

布什弟弟Jeb Bush要竞选总统了，我不知道别人怎么评论，但是谢天谢地，喜剧萧条期要结束了。

"Political experts and pundits and people who know the Bushes are saying that Jeb Bush is smarter than his brother. That’s damning with faint praise, isn’t it? Who the hell isn’t smarter than his brother, for God’s sake?" —David Letterman

熟悉布什家族的评论家表示Jeb Bush比他哥聪明，这是明褒实贬，谁不比他哥乔治布什聪明呢。

"Tony Hayward is stepping down as CEO of BP. They weren’t supposed tomake the announcement yet, but of course, the news leaked." –CraigFerguson

Tony Hayward辞去了BP的CEO职位，还没有正式宣布，消息“泄露”出来的。

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that Paul the Octopus is asymbol of decadence and decay in the western world. Which is exactlywhat Paul the Octopus predicted he would say." –Jimmy Fallon

伊朗总统内贾德说章鱼保罗是西方世界腐朽和落后的象征，这也是保罗预测他要说的话。

"Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earthin 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms oflife. A spokesman for BP said, ‘Been there, done that.’" –CraigFerguson

科学家宣称2182年一颗小行星会撞击地球，摧毁地球上绝大部分生命。BP一位发言人表示：Just Did It。

“Whiny Tony Hayward— you know the cry-baby BP CEO guy — he says life’s not fair and thatsometimes you step off a curb and you get hit by a bus. You know, iflife was fair, that bus would have been driven by an unemployedLouisiana shrimp boat operator.” -Jay Leno

BP的CEO说：生活是不公平的，有时候你走下人行道或许就被一辆公交车撞了。我觉得生活要是公平的话，公交司机一定是路易斯安那州一个失业的捕虾船员。

"Yesterday was President Obama’s birthday. He turned 49 years old, if you believe the liberal media." –Jimmy Kimmel

昨天是奥巴马的生日，他49岁了，如果你相信左派媒体的话。

"The president is 49 years old, but it’s never a good sign when yourage is higher than your political approval rating." –David Letterman

奥巴马已经49岁了，当你的年龄超过你的支持率，不是个好现象。

"Billionaire Republican and former eBay CEO Meg Whitman says she hasspent more 99 million of her own money to get elected of governor ofCalifornia. I think she thinks it’s like eBay, the office goes to thehighest bidder." –Jay Leno

亿万富翁，共和党员，前eBay CEO梅格·惠特说她已经花了九千九百万美元竞选加州州长。她以为竞选是在eBay上买东西呢，出价最高的胜出。

"For thefirst time since April, oil has stopped gushing into the Gulf of Mexico.I’m not sure what engineers they used to fix it but I think we can ruleout the guys who created the new iPhone 4." –Jay Leno

自四月份以来，墨西哥湾原油终于停止了泄露，不知道哪来的工程师完成的，但一定不是制造iphone4的工程师。

"Dick Cheneyis recovering from heart surgery in the hospital. I understand Fox sentflowers, and MSNBC sent a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese."–Jay Leno

切尼从心脏手术恢复了，Fox台送去了鲜花，MSNBC台送的是额外多加起司的大号意大利香肠披萨。

"The big comic book convention, Comic-Con, starts tomorrow in SanDiego. This is a week-long convention of comic books, science fiction,video games, and other forms of birth control." –Jimmy Fallon

大型漫画书展明天将在圣迭戈开幕，将持续一星期展览漫画书籍，科幻小说，视频游戏和其他一些计划生育的物品。

"Newspaper circulation has fallen to a new low and they say they arebecoming obsolete. To give you an idea of how bad it is, today I saw aguy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face." –Jay Leno

报纸的发行量创下历史新低，很多人认为报纸将被淘汰，我亲身体验到这个趋势了，今天公园里我看到一个人用iPad挡着脸在睡觉。

"Starbucks’ profits went up 37 percent in the third quarter of thisyear. They say they owe the increase to their new strategy of opening aStarbucks inside an existing Starbucks." –Jimmy Fallon

星巴克今年第三季度利润增长37%，主要归功于他们的新战略：在星巴克店里再开一家新的星巴克店。

"Facebook now has 500 million users. The previous record holder was heroin." –Jimmy Kimmel

Facebook现在有5亿使用者，原纪录保持者是海洛因。

"Facebook now has more than 500 million users, which may help explain why unemployment is around 10 percent." –Jimmy Kimmel

Facebook现在有5亿用户，这解释了为什么失业率在10%左右。

"Have you guys seen this show ‘White House Apprentice?’ It’s a lotlike the other ‘Apprentice,’ but on this one, when the boss fires you,he offers you your job back a day later." –Jay Leno

你们看了白宫版“学徒”吗？跟别的“学徒”不一样，在白宫版里，老板解雇你后，第二天他会给你另一份工作。

"GeneralMcChrystal was relieved of his duties because of derogatory comments hemade about President Obama and other White House staffers. In fact, whenhe heard that, Joe Biden was shocked and said, ‘What? You can get firedfor saying something stupid? What? When’d they start that? Is thatnew?’" –Jay Leno

美国驻阿富汗的McChrystal将军因为发表对奥巴马和政府官员的贬损言论而遭到解职。副总统拜登听到这个事后被吓到了：什么？说一些愚蠢的话就会被解职？什么时候开始的？是不是新施行的？

"President Obama said today, although he admires McChrystal’s serviceand dedication to his country, he said, ‘You don’t criticize yourbosses.’ Okay, that’s the same reason President Obama never saysanything bad about the Chinese." –Jay Leno

奥巴马今天说，虽然他很感激McChrystal将军为美国做出的奉献，但是，‘不应该批评你的老板’，同样的原因，奥巴马从来没说过中国的坏话。

"The confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan willbe shown live Monday on C-SPAN 3. You know it’s going to be boring whenC-SPAN 2 passes on it." –Jimmy Fallon

最高大法官候选人Elena Kagan的就职听证会周一将在C-SPAN 3直播，连C-SPAN 2都并不愿意直播可见得有多无聊。

"They’re having the confirmation hearings down in Washington, D.C.,with Elena Kagan. And so far, the woman has offered very few opinions. Ithought to myself, well, my God — how do you find a woman like that?"–David Letterman

Elena Kagan的听证会在华盛顿举行，她在听证会过程中很少发表意见，我心想，天啊—你们是怎么找到这样的女人的。
"Mexicohas filed a brief against Arizona’s new immigration law. It’s aprecedent because it’s the first immigration law Mexico has paid anyattention to." –Jay Leno

墨西哥对亚利桑那最新的反非法移民法提出抗议，这是史无前例的，因为这是墨西哥第一次关注移民方面的法律。

"The longest-serving member of Congress, Sen. Robert Byrd of WestVirginia, died at the age of 92. He may have passed away in 1982, no oneis really sure." –Jimmy Kimmel

史上任期最长的西弗吉尼亚州国会议员Robert Byrd去世了，享年92岁，他也可能是1982年去世的，没人能确定。

"It’s not the G-20 anymore. It’s now the G-19, because Ghana eliminated the United States." –David Letterman

这已经不是G-20峰会了，现在是G-19，因为加纳刚刚淘汰了美国。

"The Russian spies tried to blend in. They were acting likeAmericans. As a matter of fact, for two weeks, they were pretending theyloved soccer." –David Letterman

俄罗斯间谍最近在伪装成美国人活动，实际上，为了装成美国人，他们这两周也装作喜欢足球。

"BP is running with this, I guess. Their company newsletter has anarticle that says most gulf residents aren’t upset with BP because theircleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit forboosting the economy in the gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit forcreating jobs in airport security." –Jimmy Kimmel

BP公司的新闻简报的一篇文章说，墨西哥湾沿岸的居民对BP没有不满，因为BP负责清理石油的工人刺激了当地的经济增长，这就好比基地组织因为增加了美国机场保安的工作机会而邀功一样。

"There is anew bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This billwould give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore isstrongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because hedid. But because he just signed up for Match.com." –Craig Ferguson

议会在讨论一个新的法案：给予总统关闭互联网的权利。戈尔强力反对，不是因为他发明了互联网，而是因为他刚刚注册了世纪佳缘（戈尔刚刚离婚）。

"This is the first time that two women have been on the InternationalSpace Station at the same time. That can only mean one thing:zero-gravity pillow fight." –Craig Ferguson

这是国际空间站历史上第一次同时有两位女航天员，这意味着：无重力枕头大战。

"While testifying before Congress yesterday, BP CEO Tony Haywardcalled the oil spill a ‘complex accident caused by an unprecedentedcombination of failures.’ Then he realized he was reading notes left onthe stand by a Goldman Sachs executive." –Jimmy Fallon

昨天在国会接受质询时，BP的CEO说漏油事件是由前所未有的各种失误造成的复杂事故，后来他意识到他正在念的是之前高盛一位高管留在台上的讲稿。

"Tony Hayward on a yacht. Where are the Somali pirates when you need them?" –Jay Leno

BP的CEO却还在游艇上度假，索马里海盗哪里去了？

"Oh, and how stupid is this. You know, this state is so broke,they’re just trying to make money any way they can. California lawmakers— this is real — are now considering a bill to allow electronic licenseplate frames on vehicles that will flash digital commercials. Who isthis for? People who want something else to read while driving andtexting?" –Jay Leno

看这条愚蠢的新闻，加州要破产了，他们想尽一切办法来增加收入，加州立法者，提议允许电子车牌，那样可以在车牌上放广告。请问那广告是给谁看的？一边开车一边发短信还有可能看其他的地方吗？

"Because of the success of ‘Toy Story 3,’ Pixar is now rushing aheadwith its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies,presented by BP. It’s BP presents ‘Try Finding Nemo Now.’" –Jay Leno

因为玩具总动员三的成功，Pixar开始筹备另一个大受欢迎的电影的续集，由BP制作：试试再寻找Nemo。

"In 2011, China will end America’s 110-year run as the No. 1manufacturing country in the world. That gives me a great idea. Weshould start making the one thing we know the world will always need —made in China labels." –Jimmy Fallon

到2011年，美国保持了110年的世界第一制造大国地位，将由中国代替。我有个好主意，我们应该制造那件世界一直需要的东西：中国制造标签。

"Larry King’s oil spill telethon last night raised $1.8 million.Usually, to get that much money from Larry King, you have to divorcehim." –Jimmy Fallon

拉里金昨晚为漏油事件筹款的特别节目募集到180万美元，一般情况下，想从拉里金手里拿到那么多钱，你得跟他离婚。

"You know who performed at the Rush Limbaughwedding? Elton John. Isn’t that amazing. It proves that there’sabsolutely no ideological gap that a million-dollar check can’t bridge."–David Letterman

你知道谁是Rush Limbaugh婚礼的表演嘉宾？Elton John，不可思议，证明了那句老话：有钱能使鬼推磨。

"Today, President Obama spoke at Kalamazoo’s central high schoolgraduation ceremony in Michigan. He told the students they could beanything they want to be, but if they could be oil leak experts, thatcould be great." –Jimmy Fallon

今天，奥巴马在密歇根的一个高中演讲，他对学生说：你们将会实现任何梦想，不过，如果能成为油田泄露施救专家，那最好不过了。

"Looks like this Gore divorce could end up being pretty costly. In fact, Al Gore now talking about only trying to save half the planet." –Jay Leno

看起来戈尔离婚的代价是相当大，现在戈尔只是谈论如何挽救半个地球了。

"A lot of people are upset and wondering why President Obama iswilling to sit down with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad but not BP CEO TonyHayward. I think Obama is afraid — Ahmadinejad only threatened todestroy the world and Hayward is actually doing it." –Jay Leno

很多人纳闷为什么奥巴马愿意坐下来和内贾德会谈，却不愿跟BP的CEO Tony Hayward会面，我觉得奥巴马是害怕了，内贾德只是宣称要毁灭地球，但Hayward已经动手了。

"The first big match of the World Cup is the U.S. vs. Britain. The loser has to clean up the Gulf." –Jay Leno

世界杯第一场重头戏是美国对英格兰，输的一方将负责清理墨西哥湾。

"There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulfof Mexico today and they found traces of seawater." –Bill Maher

好消息，在墨西哥湾，科学家用探针发现了海水的痕迹。

"President Obama is now in the Gulf of Mexico. This is his fourthvisit since the spill. So the president has been down there four times.And the head of BP is saying, ‘Well see, it hasn’t affected tourism.’"–David Letterman

奥巴马又去了墨西哥湾，这已经是漏油事件以来的第四次，BP高层说：看，没影响旅游业吧。

"You guys, ‘Top Chef D.C.’ premieres tonight on Bravo. I love thatshow. But since it’s in D.C., the contestants don’t actually cook; theyjust talk about what they’re going to cook in the future." –Jimmy Fallon

华盛顿厨艺大赛今晚将在Bravo电视台首播，我喜欢看这节目，不过因为是在首都的比赛，所以参赛者不需要真做出来东西，只需要谈论一下将要做什么就可以了。

"Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said today the Obamaadministration will soon reopen the U.S. border to Mexican trucks. Ofcourse, this came a huge shock to Mexican truck drivers. They didn’teven know it was closed." –Jay Leno

交通部负责人表示奥巴马政府将很快开放墨美边境的货车通道，此消息震惊了墨西哥的货车司机，他们根本不知道通道关闭了。

"There was a big state dinner at the White House last night in honorof Mexican President Felipe Calderón. The Mexican president pointed outthat he and President Obama have a lot in common. He said they are bothpresidents of two beautiful countries, they’re both left-handed, andthey both preside over 40 million Mexican people." –Jay Leno

昨晚白宫举行盛大国宴招待墨西哥总统卡尔德隆，卡尔德隆席间指出他跟奥巴马有很多共同点：执掌的国家都非常美丽，都是左撇子，各领导着四千万墨西哥人。

"And in welcoming Mexico’s president, Felipe Calderon, to the WhiteHouse today, President Obama told him, ‘We are not defined by ourborders.’ The president of Mexico said, ‘What borders?’" –Jay Leno

奥巴马在欢迎辞中说：两国的友谊不会被国界线所隔阂，卡尔德隆打断问：什么国界线？

"The Obama administration has revealed the size of America’s nucleararsenal. The U.S. has 5,113 warheads, approximately 1,000 of them aimedat China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest, of course, aimed at FoxNews." –Jay Leno

奥巴马政府公布了美国的核储备，美国现有5113个核弹头，1000个瞄准中国，1000个瞄准俄罗斯，剩下的都瞄着福克斯新闻台。

"Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived on aflight from JFK with two handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers andknives in his luggage. When they heard this, JFK screeners were like,‘Sure he had all these things, but here’s what he didn’t have — bottledwater or nail clippers.’" –Jimmy Fallon

开罗警方扣留一名从纽约肯尼迪机场来的美国人，他携带了2把枪，250发子弹，很多剑，匕首和刀在行李里，肯尼迪国际机场的安检人员听说后：虽然他有那些东西，但他绝对不会携带水和指甲刀。

"And it looks like we may be getting a new Supreme Court justice from New York City. Her name is Elena Kagan.And she’s apparently very, very smart. Here’s how smart she is: Thewoman actually understands New York City parking signs." –DavidLetterman

我们要有一位新的大法官了，她来自纽约，非常聪明–她能看懂纽约市的停车指示牌。

"According to the top people in the petroleum industry, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico will not affect gas prices. They said, ‘They were going up anyway.’" –Jay Leno

据石油行业的高层人士透露，墨西哥湾原油泄露事件不会影响汽油价格—-无论如何都会涨的。

"During a speech in Ohio yesterday, President Obama reminded the crowd that the economy was much worse a year ago. Then the crowd reminded him that he was already president a year ago." –Jimmy Fallon

昨天在俄亥俄的一次演讲中，奥巴马对听众说经济形势一年前的时候要比现在差很多，人群里立刻有人提醒他说去年你就是总统了。