Fulham and Germany’s Moritz Volz’s Guide to Europe

Fulham and Germany’s Moritz Volz’s Guide to EuropeWith the start of the European Championship’s 2008 rapidly approaching, we cornered football’s funniest foreigner - Fulham defender and German international Moritz Volz - to give us his unique guide to the 16 nations competing in Euro 2008.GROUP APORTUGALPortugal’s greatest ever player is the “Black Pearl”… Eusebio. He was player of the tournament in 1966 when Portugal finished third. Germany of course reached the final in that year but I can’t for the life of me remember who won it….Some of their best players have been playing in the Premier League - Carvalho and Ferreira at Chelsea, Nani and Ronaldo at United. Although to me, the best thing to have come out of Portugal is Nando’s chicken.The southernmost region of Portugal is known as The Algarve, where British people like to get drunk and Germans are first onto the sun loungers!CZECH REPUBLICThe Czech Republic boasts some great players - Nedved, Koller, Rosicky, Cech… which you’ve got to admit is a good name for a Czech. But the man recently voted their greatest ever player was… Josef Masopust, who was European Footballer of the Year way back in 1962 - forty one years before Pavel Nedved won the award.It’s a cool country because it’s famous for both beer and beautiful women! Famous Czech models include Eva Herzigova and Petra Nemcova who has survived two terrible incidents in her life - the 2004 Tsunami… and going out with James Blunt!TURKEYTurkish football’s greatest achievement so far was coming third in the 2002 World Cup. Germany got to the final, but then that goes without saying! They also got to the quarter finals of Euro 2000 but it’s not long ago that Turkey were considered easy opponents. England have beaten them 8-nil not once but TWICE… in 1984 and 1987.Hakan Sukur is probably their most famous player. Nicknamed the “Bull of the Bosphorous” he once played for Blackburn Rovers, where he was nicknamed the “Ram Of The Ribble”. Probably…You’d think Turkey’s national dish would be Turkey, but sadly it isn’t. Baklava is popular though, which is a sweet pastry and NOT something you put on your head when it gets a bit cold.SWITZERLANDTo be a good footballer in Switzerland you have to be called Stephane. It’s the law. There’s Stephane Henchoz, Stephane Chapuisat and… err.. Stephanie Beacham. And you wouldn’t want to be shoulder charged by her… have you seen the padding on those dresses?Anyway, the man voted Switzerland’s greatest ever is Chapuisat, who played in the Bundesliga for many years for Borussia Dortmund, winning the Champions League in 1997.Think of Switzerland and you might think of Julie Andrews and the Sound Of Music. Well don’t. The Sound Of Music was actually set in Austria. But you can still think of Julie Andrews if you want to.In some cinemas across the UK it’s still common to have screenings of the Sound of Music during which you can singalong too. It’s a bit like a German bierkeller. Only without the beer, and the Germans…GROUP BAUSTRIAAustria’s greatest ever player is Franz Klammer - Oh no, he’s a skier. Austria’s greatest ever player was Herman Maier. Oh no, he’s a skier as well! In fact most of Austria’s best sportsmen are skiers. But they have produced a couple of great players including Toni Polster who had terrible hair, and Hans Krankl who also had terrible hair - on his top lip.The most famous Austrian dish is Wiener Schnitzel consisting of a slice of veal coated in breadcrumbs and fried. Although it’s thought the dish may have originated in Italy. Funnily enough it’s also believed Spaghetti Bolognese originated in Salzburg… actually, I made that last bit up.POLANDPoland has an incredibly successful football team. Unfortunately, that’s at the Olympics and NOT at World Cups or European Championships. They won gold in Munich in 1972 and silver in 1976 and 1992.This is the very first time Poland has qualified for the Euros. Although I can guarantee that they will qualify for the next one - because they’re hosting it!! Maybe England should try that approach!!Germany and Poland have a lot in common - sausages, Popes, no sense of humour. Hey… who wrote this??!In addition to sausages Polish cuisine is extremely varied - as long as it involves potatoes.CROATIACroatia have the worst kit in European football - a red and white checkerboard. And coach Slaven Bilic has the worst dress sense in European football - a suit and a bobble hat??? Come on Slaven!!!Probably their greatest ever player is Davor Suker, who scored 45 goals for his country, and was the Golden Boot winner at the 1998 World Cup when Croatia finished third.Another famous Croatian is Graham Poll - or at least you’d think so after he gave one of their players 3 yellow cards at the last World Cup.Croatia is famous for fountain pens AND is credited with inventing the tie, which was first worn in the 17th century by Croatian mercenaries fighting in the Thirty Years’ War . I’m not quite sure how long the Thirty Years’ War lasted….GERMANYWhat can I say? My home country. They proved they’re going to be one of the favourites for the tournament by recording a 13-nil victory in qualifying. OK… so it was only against San Marino but a win’s a win!My favourite ever player? Well, I thought of Matthaus, Bierhoff, Dietmar Hamann. But in the end I settled for… Stuart Pearce! For that penalty miss in the World Cup semi-final against Germany!We’re also the best in the world at a number of other ‘sports’… such as baking bread, text messaging, cherry stone spitting, walking backwards and bombing - and I mean into swimming pools before you ask!If they made all those things Olympic sports we’d be on top of the medals table!GROUP CITALYItaly has had many great players. Someone who plays full back like me is Paolo Maldini who is 73 years old and still going strong! Italian footballers are famous for strong defence and bad hair.They are the reigning World Cup holders.Famous Italian sports stars who aren’t footballers include skier Alberto Tomba, legendary motor racing star Alberto Ascari and pizza-chain owner Frankie Dettori, who also races horses…FRANCEFrance won the competition in 1984 and 2000. Only one other country has won it more than once. Can’t think who that is… Oh yes.. it’s Germany!!!… and we’ve won it three times. So there!From Just Fontaine, who scored a record 13 goals in the 1958 World Cup, to Thierry Henry there’s some debate as to who France’s greatest ever player is. One thing is certain - Zinedine Zidane has the coolest name! He’s also the best header French football has produced - sometimes even of the ball! Sorry Marco…In truth, France doesn’t have much to recommend it - appart from the fantastic food… and the wonderful wines… oh, and the fashion… and the beautiful women… and the great football team…ROMANIARomania’s greatest ever player is Georghe Hagi. Known to most people simply as Hagi. And you know a player is good if he can get by just using one name - like Maradona, Pele, Volzy…Tennis is the second most popular sport in Romania - their most famous player… the one and only Ilie NastaseOther famous Romanians include Count Duckula. Oh I’m sorry.. that’s a mis-print. That should say Count DRACULA. Dracula’s home, Transylvania, is actually a region of Romania. To Romanians it’s famous for its landscape and not blood-sucking.NETHERLANDSOrange orange orange. Has ever one footballing country been so associated with one colour? Maybe England and the white flag of surrender?!! No war jokes please…Anyway, the Netherlands have had many talented players - probably the best being Johan Cruyff. Nobody smoked a cigarette quite like Cruyff.They won the European Championship in 1998 with goals in the Final from Ruud Gullit and current coach Marco Van Basten. Van Basten’s goal is arguably the greatest ever scored in a major final - firing in on the volley from someone near the corner flag!The Netherlands is famous for windmills, tulips and clogs, and traditional cuisine includes tangerines, satsumas, clementines, mandarins….GROUP DRUSSIARussia’s greatest ever player was a goalkeeper, Lev Yashin. Voted best keeper of the 20th century he is also the only keeper ever to have been voted European Footballer of the Year - in 1963.He was believed to have saved more than 150 penalties in his career. That figure would have been a lot less if he’d played Germany more often…Russia is great at macho sports… like ice dancing and chess.A popular dish is Okroshka - which is a cold soup based on sour milk. Hmmmm…. Yum yum! Another popular Russian ‘dish’ is Vladimir Putin with his shirt off. At least that’s what the Russian ladies say…SWEDENSweden and IKEA are inextricably linked. Swedish footballers are generally inexpensive and often disappointing. IKEA is generally inexpensive and often disappointing. A Swedish speciaility is meatballs. An IKEA speciality is meatballs.And speaking of meatballs, one of Sweden’s most famous footballers is Thomas Brolin who was shaped liked a meatball and played for Crystal Palace and Leeds in the 90s.According to Wikipedia - so it must be true - he now sells vacuum cleaners.Other Swedish legends include goalkeeper Thomas Ravelli who played 143 times for his country, and Abba, who didn’t.GREECEGhosts exist, pigs fly and Greece are the reigning European champions. Actually only one of those statements is true. And it’s the most ridiculous one! Yes… Greece are indeed the reigning champions.The man voted their greatest ever player is Vassilis Hatzipanagis. Who??? Exactly.They won’t be a pushover this time either - they won the last six matches of qualifying,. Scoring eight goals and with none conceded.The amazing story of Greece is told in the words of Plato, Socrates and that musical starring Olivia Newton John and John Travolta.Homer is also Greek - although he had to lose the accent for his starring role alongside Marge, Bart and Lisa.SPAINSpain are the best team to be consistently rubbish at major finals! They did win the European Championship way back in 1964 but since then they’ve almost been as bad as England. And that’s saying something! In World Cups the best they’ve managed is three quarter-finals in 50 years.Alfredo Di Stefano - star of Real Madrid in the 50s and 60s - was recently voted the best ever Spanish player. And he wasn’t even Spanish. He was Argentinian! On that basis England’s greatest ever player is Cristiano Ronaldo…Spain is famous for its food…. in many towns on the coast you can get authentic bacon sandwiches, bacon and eggs, egg and chips, bacon egg and chips, bacon egg chips and beans…spam… What’s Spam??Well thanks for those unique insights Volzy…very, err, helpful!So who are you planning on supporting during the Championships? The Czech Republic for the beautiful women? France because it’s closest or Austria as they are definitely this year’s underdog?If you’re not sure then let us help you. Simply answer a few fun Euro-themed questions from how you like your football - full of flair or trophy-winning pragmatics - to what’s your holiday poison of choice to find out which country you’re best suited to.