如何成为耐心的父母——给所有为人父母的一点建议

我从不自吹是世界上最有耐心的家长——但是这成为了我今年的目标，同时也是我一直专注于想要成为的。身为家长，每个人都会丧失耐心——这是不争的事实。“完美的天使”这个词从来不会用在妈妈或爸爸身上——我们总会因为这件事或那件事而感到沮丧或是恼火。

耐心是需要时间来培养的——这是一种习惯，正如其他所以的习惯一样，它需要你的注意力。

下面10条建议正是我在努力实践的，它们能够帮助我成为一个更加有耐心的家长：

1. 数10个数。这个方法很奏效。当你感到自己正在变得沮丧或恼火时，停下来，慢慢的数到10（你可以在心里默念）。大多数情况下，当你数完这10个数，那种想要发飙的冲动已经消失不见了。当然你也可以大声的念出声来，这个时候你的孩子会很快意识到这是开溜的好时机。
2. 深呼吸。这个可以和上面一条很好的并用，数到10，然后慢慢的做3次深～～呼吸，这样你就会感受到沮丧随着你的呼吸排出了体外。
3. 做记录。最有效和最重要的控制冲动——这些讨人厌的而且是难以控制的冲动——的方法之一就是更清晰的意识到这 种冲动。为了达到这个目的，建议你每天都随身携带一本本子和一支笔，每当你感到即将爆发的时候（也就是要愤怒的做出反应时），记录下来。这是及其重要的第 一步，一旦你意识到了冲动，你才可以通过种种方式来调整为另一种反应。
4. 假装有人在旁观。我不太记得是在哪里读到的这种方法了（我想可能有很多地方），但是这很有效。假装有人在旁观，在这种别人时刻关注着你的一举一动的情况下，你对你的孩子反应过激的可能性就大大减小了。
5. 如果换作是我母亲的话，她会怎么做？我的母亲是我所认识的最有耐心的人之一（虽然她像我们其他人一样只是个普 通人而已），所以每当我发现怒火在心中开始燃烧时，我就会想，“如果换作我母亲的话，她会怎么处理这件事情？”，用这种角色替换的方式，我的反应变得能够 更积极一些。你可以选择任何一个适合的角色，而不一定是你的母亲。
6. 这样做有什么好处？当我想对孩子说些什么的时候，只要我能记得起来，我总会问自己，“这样做能够帮助我的孩子吗？”这个方法帮助我重新考虑事情的重点是什么，大喊大叫或者大发脾气能有什么用处呢？
7. 冷静，冷静。通常情况下最好是走开几分钟，暂时不考虑这件事情，只需要5～10分钟，让自己冷静一下，想一下自己要怎么说和怎么做来最好的面对问题，最后像一个修道士一样冷静的回来。
8. 教导。这个方法帮了我很大的忙，我必须意识到我的孩子还只是孩子——他们不可能是完美的，他们对很多事情是不 了解的，因此值得他们学的东西有很多很多，而我就是他们的老是。我一定得有耐心来教导他们——即使已经尝试了10遍，但也可能第11次就能让他们开窍也说 不定。记住：没有哪个人在第一次尝试的时候就能成功的。尝试一些新的教育方法，这样你成功的几率就会更高了。
9. 设想一下。在问题出现之前设想会更奏效，比如，当你一个人独处的时候，你就可以设想当下次你的孩子做出什么让 你火冒三丈的事的时候你会怎么反应，你会怎么处理这个情况，你怎么看这件事，你会说些什么，你的孩子会怎么反应，你的反应会对你和孩子的关系有所帮助吗？ 对所有这些问题都想一下，设想出一个最完美的解决办法，并在下次情况真正出现的时候付诸实施。
10. 一笑而过。有些时候我们应该不断提醒自己，人无完人，我们所要做的只是享受与我们孩子在一起的这些时光，生活应该充满欢乐——一定要快乐啊。笑一下，开心开心。这并不是每次都能奏效，但是时时刻刻都记住这点是没有坏处的。

Bonus:用你的爱心。教会自己用爱来处理和孩子的问题，而不是发脾气。你的孩子弄洒了什么吗？或是把房间搞得一团糟？还是打碎了传家宝？或者说对着你大喊大叫？抑或是在学校里惹麻烦了？用爱心来处理这些事，这样才能找出最好的解决办法。

原文地址：How to Become a Patient Parent

Every Tuesday is Finance & Family Day at Zen Habits.
I don’t claim to be the world’s most patient parent — but it’s a goal of mine for this year, and it’s something I’m dedicated to becoming. Every parent loses his or her patience — it’s a fact of life. There are no perfect angels when [...]

Every Tuesday is Finance & Family Day at Zen Habits.

I don’t claim to be the world’s most patient parent — but it’s a goal of mine for this year, and it’s something I’m dedicated to becoming. Every parent loses his or her patience — it’s a fact of life. There are no perfect angels when it comes to moms and dads — we all get frustrated or angry and lose it from time to time.

But patience can be developed over time — it’s a habit, and like any other habit, it just takes some focus.

Here’s a list of 10 great tips and methods I’m trying out and experimenting with to help me become a more patient parent:

1. Count to 10. This one really works. When you feel yourself getting frustrated or angry, stop. Count slowly to 10 (you can do this in your head). When you’re done, most of the initial impulse to yell will go away. Alternatively, if you count out loud to 10, your kids will learn quickly that this is a good sign to run away. :)
2. Deep breaths. This works very well in conjunction with the above tip. Count to 10, and then take three slow, deep breaths. Feel the frustration draining out of you with each breath.
3. Tally marks. One of the most effective and important methods for controlling an impulse — these worrisome urges that we have difficulty controlling — is to become more aware of it. And to do that, you should carry around a little pencil and paper all day, and each time you feel the impulse (in this case, to react with anger), mark down a tally. This is an extremely important first step. Once you become aware of your impulses, you can work out an alternative reaction.
4. Pretend someone’s watching. I forgot where I read this tip (a couple places, I think), but it’s effective. Pretend you have an audience. You’re less likely to overreact with your child if someone’s there watching your every move.
5. What would mom do? My mom is one of the most patient people I know (although she’s human like the rest of us). So when I find my ire rising, I think … “How would my mom handle this?” And using this role model, I begin to change my behavior to something more positive. You can use any role model you want — not necessarily my mom.
6. How does this help? When I’m about to say something to my kids, when I can remember, I ask myself, “How does this help my child?” This helps me to re-focus on what’s really important. Yelling or getting angry rarely helps any situation.
7. Take a break. Often it’s best just to walk away for a few minutes. Take a break from the situation, just for 5-10 minutes, let yourself calm down, plan out your words and actions and solution, and then come back calm as a monk.
8. Teach. This is something that helps me a lot. I remember that my kids are just kids — they are not perfect, they do not know how to do things, and they have a lot to learn. I am their teacher. I must be patient, and teach them how to do things — even if I’ve tried to teach them 10 times before, it might be the 11th time when things click. And remember, none of us learn things on the first try either. Find new ways to teach something, and you’re more likely to be successful.
9. Visualize. This works best if you do it before the frustrating situation comes up. When you’re alone and in a quiet place. Visualize how you want to react the next time your child does something that typically gets you mad. How do you handle the situation? How do you look? What do you say? How does your child react? How does it help your relationship with your child? Think about all these things, visualize the perfect situation, and then try to actually make that happen when the situation actually comes up.
10. Just laugh. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that no one is perfect, that we should be enjoying this time with our kids, and that life should be fun — and funny. Smile, laugh, be happy. Doesn’t always work, but it’s good to remind yourself of this now and then.

Bonus tip: just love. Instead of reacting with anger, teach yourself to react with love. Your child spills something or has a messy room or breaks your family heirloom? Yells at you or gets in trouble at school? React with love. It’s the best solution.
Got some tips of your own on developing patience? Let us know in the comments.

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