教你吵架,九要三不要

不管我们的想法多美妙,别人不能接受的话,就没什么意义了.擅长说服他人的高手赢得争论,他们总有一大堆理由和用来搞定对手的熟练技巧.接下来要教你的就是一些关于哪些要做哪些不要做的基本战术,当然,小心,还有阴招.

要做的:

1. 要保持冷静. 即使你的想法令自己热血澎湃,你也得冷静,再冷静. 一旦情绪失控,你铁定输.

2. 要以事实为依据. 对手很难反驳事实,记住论战前从相关的人或地方那里收集调查,数据,引证,到时候就会觉得它们的巨大用处了.

3. 要提问. 问题要一击中的,让你的对手抓耳挠腮地忙着找答案,你就掌控了整场论战.你可以直接挑战他的观点,"你刚才说的话依据在哪里?"你也可以做出假设推断,让对手难以回答,"如果每个国家都这么干会怎样?"还有一种屡试不爽的办法就是平静地激怒对手,"这有什么大不了的,你这么生气?"

4. 要有条理.步步为营,每个论点之间要有逻辑支撑,同时抓住对方的漏洞.又合理又有感情地提出一个高尚的目的,对方拒绝不了,"难道我们不该做点什么,为孩子们营造一个更好更安全的世界吗?"

5. 要倾听. 很多人只顾自己说的,还先入为主地假想对手会怎么说,因而忽略了对手表述时暴露的弱点和漏洞.最好听仔细了,你就能抓住那些东西,有时还能逮到新的有用的信息!

6. 对方如果哪一点说得对,要准备好让步. 不要辎铢必较. 如果对头提出一个正确的观点,附和他,但要用一个不同的看法压过他一头.这能让你显得通情达理,"监狱不能改造罪犯,这点我同意你,大家也都清楚,但是监狱用来威慑和惩戒还是很有用的."

7. 要研究对手.了解他们的强处,弱项,了解他们迷信什么,看重什么.你可以提出他看重的东西打动他, 利用他的弱点,以彼之道，还施彼身.

8. 要争取双赢. 大度一些,只要能达成你的主要想法,即使也同时接受对方某些观点,就可以妥协. 拳台上只有一个赢家,谈判席上却可以双赢.

不要做的:

1. 不要人身攻击. 不要试图攻击对手的生活方式或他的品德.对事不对人. 如果对家对你来这手,你就占优得分,居高临下了.比如可以说 "没想到你会搞人身攻击,我觉得与其诋毁别人,不如好好谈谈正事."

2. 不要心烦意乱. 对家说不定会抛出无关的新话题,想让你迷失方向.坚持住,不要自乱阵脚,"你说的完全是另一码事,我很乐意以后和你探讨,但是现在让我们回到正题来."

3. 不要因小失大. 如果你有3个有力的论据和2个弱点的,那么,可能最好是只专注于那3个有力的.让人信服地提出观点,求得对方同意.如果你舍不得放弃那两个弱的论据,那么对手就可以通过驳倒它们而使得你的一把好牌变糟.

一些阴招,有人用来放倒对手.

1.说些使人晕头转向的套话. 有时候你可以插些话,自信的,简练的套话,来打断对手的节奏. 下面是些管用的话"

你在回避实质问题.

你离题了.

你在为自己辩解.

不要鸡同鸭讲.

你的限定是什么?

2. 嘲弄对头. 这招在有人旁观时很有杀伤力,但却永远没法使对头臣服.

3.故意激怒对手.找到他们的痛处,不断刺激直到对手因失去理智而输掉.

4. 使对手分心. 作些事, 分散对方注意力 ,让他偏离自己的主要观点.

5. 夸大对方的意见,使其超出原来的程度,然后抨击他的意见多么荒谬无理.

6. 心安理得地驳斥对手.气势汹汹地指责对手,把他的每一条意见都说成谬误不堪,但只挑其中一两条你能驳倒的下手批驳,然后堂而皇之地让对手缴枪.

There is not much point in having brilliant ideas if we cannot persuade people of their value. Persuasive debaters can win arguments using the force of their reason and by the skillful deployment of many handy techniques. Here are some general dos and don’ts to help you win arguments together with some sneaky tactics to be aware of.

Do:

1. Stay calm. Even if you get passionate about your point you must stay cool and in command of your emotions. If you lose your temper – you lose.
2. Use facts as evidence for your position. Facts are hard to refute so gather some pertinent data before the argument starts. Surveys, statistics, quotes from relevant people and results are useful arguments to deploy in support of your case.
3. Ask questions. If you can ask the right questions you can stay in control of the discussion and make your opponent scramble for answers. You can ask questions that challenge his point, ‘What evidence do you have for that claim?’ You can ask hypothetical questions that extrapolate a trend and give your opponent a difficulty, ‘What would happen if every nation did that?’ Another useful type of question is one that calmly provokes your foe, ‘What is about this that makes you so angry?’
4. Use logic. Show how one idea follows another. Build your case and use logic to undermine your opponent.
5. Appeal to higher values. As well as logic you can use a little emotion by appealing to worthy motives that are hard to disagree with, ‘Shouldn’t we all be working to make the world better and safer for our children?’
6. Listen carefully. Many people are so focused on what they are going to say that they ignore their opponent and assume his arguments. It is better to listen carefully. You will observe weaknesses and flaws in his position and sometimes you will hear something new and informative!
7. Be prepared to concede a good point. Don’t argue every point for the sake of it. If your adversary makes a valid point then agree but outweigh it with a different argument. This makes you looked reasonable. ‘I agree with you that prison does not reform prisoners. That is generally true but prison still acts effectively as a deterrent and a punishment.’
8. Study your opponent. Know their strengths, weaknesses, beliefs and values. You can appeal to their higher values. You can exploit their weaknesses by turning their arguments back on them.
9. Look for a win-win. Be open-minded to a compromise position that accommodates your main points and some of your opponent’s. You cannot both win in a boxing match but you can both win in a negotiation.

Don’t:

1. Get personal. Direct attacks on your opponent’s lifestyle, integrity or honesty should be avoided. Attack the issue not the person. If the other party attacks you then you can take the high ground e.g.’ I am surprised at you making personal attacks like that. I think it would be better if we stuck to the main issue here rather than maligning people.’
2. Get distracted. Your opponent may try to throw you off the scent by introducing new and extraneous themes. You must be firm. ‘That is an entirely different issue which I am happy to discuss later. For the moment let’s deal with the major issue at hand.’
3. Water down your strong arguments with weak ones. If you have three strong points and two weaker ones then it is probably best to just focus on the strong. Make your points convincingly and ask for agreement. If you carry on and use the weaker arguments then your opponent can rebut them and make your overall case look weaker.

Low, sneaky ways that some people use to win arguments:

1. Use punchy one-liners. You can sometimes throw your opponent out of his stride by interjecting a confident, concise cliché. Here are some good ones:
   • That begs the question.
   • That is beside the point.
   • You’re being defensive.
   • Don’t compare apples and oranges.
   • What are your parameters?
2. Ridicule and humiliate your opponent. This can be very effective in front of an audience but will never win over the opponent himself.
3. Deliberately provoke your adversary. Find something that makes them angry and keep wheedling away on this point until they lose their temper and so the argument.
4. Distract. Throw in diversions which deflect the other person from their main point.
5. Exaggerate your opponent’s position. Take it way beyond its intended level and then show how ridiculous and unreasonable the exaggerated position is.
6. Contradict confidently. Vigorously denounce each of your opponent’s arguments as fallacious but just select one or two that you can defeat to prove the point. Then assume that you have won.

Remember that an argument between two people is very different from a debate in front of an audience. In the first you are trying to win over the other person so look for ways of building consensus and do not be belligerent in making your points. In front of an audience you can use all sorts of theatrical and rhetorical devices to bolster your case and belittle your adversary. In these circumstances humour is a highly effective tool so prepare some clever lines in advance.