6大暴君的恶俗癖好

来源:百度文库 编辑:神马文学网 时间:2024/03/29 18:33:08

Everybody needs a hobby, but people find release in many surprising ways. A mechanic might unwind by knitting, a ballet dancer might take up boxing. But what do you do to unwind after, say, a long day at the genocide factory? Just ask these guys:
每个人都有点兴趣爱好,不过有些人的癖好就有点匪夷所思。技工可能打毛衣减压,芭蕾舞者可能私下喜欢打拳击,那么要是你压力的来源是在集中营工作了一天,该如何解压呢?且看下面这些暴君的癖好:

#6. Hitler Loved Disney and Sketched Characters
希特勒酷爱迪斯尼,还曾手绘迪斯尼卡通人物

Everybody knows Hitler was an artist, and while paintings of his have supposedly popped up before,recent sketches discovered in 2008 shed a little more light on the twisted mind behind the madman: He was a Mouseketeer. Well, in spirit anyway. The sketches were of two of the seven dwarfs, Bashful and Doc, along with an unsigned sketch of Pinocchio.
大家都知道希特勒曾经是个艺术家,时不时总有号称是他的真迹的画作现身。从2008年浮出水面的一组素描,他漆黑一片的邪恶内心里还是有些许亮光的。他可是米奇俱乐部的成员哦,好吧,这么说有点牵强。不过这些素描上,他画下的是7个小矮人中的两个:Bashful跟Doc,还有一幅没有署名的比诺曹素描。


Everyone needs a hobby.
人人需要一爱好。

Hitler wasn’t just a casual fan either. He not only owned a copy of Snow White, he thought it was one of the greatest movies ever created. His love for all things Disney was so well known that Joseph Goebbels, history’s second greatest monster, gave Hitler Mickey Mouse paraphernalia. Goebbels later wrote in his diary that Hitler was “very pleased.” This was presumably followed by “he clapped his hands in glee, and immediately ran to his room to change into the mouse ears and Donald Duck footy pajamas.”
希特勒也不是普通的粉丝,他不仅拥有一部《白雪公主》,而且认为这是世上最杰出的电影之一。他毫不讳言自己对迪斯尼的大爱,他的二把手,世上第二大恶魔约瑟夫·戈培尔还曾送给她一套迪斯尼米奇鼠套装。据戈培尔后来在自己的日记里说,希特勒“非常高兴”。他还接着写道:“他高兴地拍起手来,马上冲到房间里带上了米奇鼠的耳朵和印满唐老鸭图形的睡衣”

#5.Osama Bin Laden Ruled the Volleyball Court 本拉登是排球高手

Osama Bin Laden hates America. He hates everything about it: The sacrilegious freedoms we enjoy, our arrogant politics, the way America snorts when it laughs. You know this already; you’ve probably seen his Vlogs. He just hates America so fucking much, he loathes every fiber of its black, accursed soul… well,except for volleyball. That shit’s awesome.
本拉登恨美国,恨美国的一切:我们渎神的自由,我们傲慢的政治,以及美国人笑到鼻抽经的猪叫声。这你都知道了,可能你已经看过他的录像了。他是在是TMD太恨美国了,他憎恨这个黑色的,受诅咒的灵魂的每丝每缕……除了排球。这东西真TMD牛X。

We’re not making this up; stories of Bin Laden’s volleyball prowess come from insiders like his former bodyguard, Nasser al-Bahri.
这可不是我们瞎编的。本拉登爱排球这件事可是内部人士传出来的,比如他的前保镖Nasser al-Bahri。

So why is America’s number one enemy also the number one fan of the homoerotic near-orgy from Top Gun? Maybe his love for volleyball is the one exception that proves the rule, or maybe it’s actually the cause for his hatred; a bitter jealousy at all of our immaculate beaches and regulation nets coming from a dude stuck in a low-ceilinged cave using old clotheslines. Or perhaps, just perhaps, the 6′4 Arab guy in a country where rural villagers think fun is forbidden by God is predisposed to dominate the crap out of that sport.
问题来了,为什么美国的头号敌人会对《壮志凌云》里充满gay情的这种运动如此热爱呢?到底他对排球的爱是例外,抑或者他憎恨美国的真实原因正是这个:一个只能在低矮山洞里用晾衣绳打球的人对我们无暇海滩以及标准球网的羡慕嫉妒恨?又或者,只是可能啊,这个身高2米有余却生在一个认为乐趣是被神禁止的小农村的巨汉没法实现排球梦,所以拿我们出气?


You might say he’s “built for the game.”你甚至可以说他是“为这项运动而生”的。

Oh, and throw in the fact that Mohammed Atef, the former chief of Al-Qaeda, also used to be a star volleyball player, but wasn’t allowed to play on the same team as Osama because they were just that good, and we think the United States’ next move is clear: Stage a fake volleyball competition, and arrest the unnaturally skilled giant with the fake beard (over his regular beard).
哦,再给你来个惊人的,基地组织的前老大 Mohammed Atef,曾经是明星排球选手哦。但他被禁止跟本拉登一队,因为他俩实在是太牛了,在一队的话对手没法打了。这么看美国的下一步应该很清楚了,搞个假的排球大赛,把那个打球打得出神入化的胡子巨人给抓起来。

Hey, it worked for Robin Hood. 嘿,这招逮到了罗宾汉呢。

>#4. Saddam Hussein Wrote Sappy Romance Novels.萨达姆·侯赛因写过言情小说

In late 2001, CIA officials found a novel at an Arabic book store in London titled Zabibah and the King. Penned under the clever pseudonym “S. Hussein,” (seriously, how did we ever catch that guy?!)
2001年下旬,CIA在一家伦敦阿拉伯书店发行了一本名叫《Zabibah与国王(Zabibah and the King)》的书。署名是“S.侯赛因”(哇,这么隐秘的笔名啊,我们是怎么抓到他的?)


Ladies, are your loins quivering yet? If not, you are in direct violation of Iraqi law.
女士们,是不是觉得全身都酥了啊?如果没有,你已经违反了伊拉克的法律。

Zabibah and the King is an allegorical novel based on the history of Iraq… in the same way thatTransformers is an allegorical TV show about the industrial revolution. Liberties are taken, is what we’re saying here. The book is set in ancient Iraq, where the fair and just King (Saddam) falls in love with the beautiful and innocent Zabibah (Iraq). After several long, thinly veiled discussions on God, love, poetry, matted back hair and dank spider-holes, the King and Zabibah eventually fall deep in love.
这本寓言式小说取材于伊拉克历史故事,正如变形金刚是一部关于工业革命的寓言式电视剧集一样。我们想说的是,创造自由度很大。该书背景是古代伊拉克,当时公正的国王(也就是萨达姆)爱上了美丽纯真的Zabibah(也就是伊拉克)。在两人漫长而敞开心扉的,对神、爱、诗歌、纠结的头发,阴冷的地洞大讨论后,两人终于陷入了热恋。


Ladies love a man with his own gilded throne.居于王座的男人最招女人爱了。

But on a walk from the King’s Palace to her home, Zabibah is attacked and raped by her cruel husband. Here’s a line from the actual passage:
但是,从国王的宫殿回家的路上,Zabibah被其残忍的丈夫袭击并强暴了,下面这段摘自原书:

“Rape is the most serious of crimes, whether it is a man raping a woman or invading armies raping the homeland or the usurpation of rights.”
“强暴是最严重的罪行,不管是男人强暴女人还是军队入侵他国领土,掠夺他人权利。”

Yes, the girl is Iraq, the fair-haired (?) King is Saddam himself, and the cruel husband is the United States of America. And if you actually needed that explanation to get the subtext, you owe your elementary school English teacher a sternly worded note, though you’ll probably need some help writing it. Then again, perhaps we’re being unfair here: We shouldn’t exactly be expecting subtlety from the guy commissioning 30-foot gold statues of himself for every town square in the country.
是滴,这个女孩就是伊拉克,一头美发(?)的国王就是萨达姆自己,而残忍的丈夫就是美国。要是你直到现在才搞明白他的言外之意,你应该给你的小学语文老师写个道歉函,当然你很有可能需要人帮才能写出来。不过话说回来,一个要求每个广场都要树一个自己的30英尺(九米)金色雕塑的人能微言大义还真是挺出人意料的。


…Is that a disco ball on his head?他头上那个,莫非是……迪斯科球灯?

#3.Al Capone Wrote Sappy Love Songs “疤面”黑帮老大艾尔·卡彭写过缠绵爱情歌曲

Say what you will about Al Capone, but he was inarguably a hardass. He was the world’s most famous criminal in an era that, according to what little we gleaned from Kevin Costner movies, was basically nothing but non-stop drive-by Tommy gun shootings. He’s still the default mental image you have when somebody says “gangster”: generically Italian looking guy, big pin-stripe suit, fedora–that’s him.
关于卡彭,不管你怎么看他,都不能否认他是个彻头彻尾的硬汉。看过凯文科斯特纳电影的人应该都觉得那是一个无休止的开车放冷枪以及冲锋枪互射的年代,他就是那个年代全世界最有名的罪犯。当听到“黑帮”这个词,他的形象始终是大家第一个会想到的:普遍的意大利长相,大条纹西装,带着软尼礼帽——这就是他了。


Somehow this picture is more terrifying than any shot in Scarface.不知道为什么这张照片看起来了比电影《疤面》里任何一个场景都更让人害怕。

He was the very essence of badass bad guy… well, except for the sappy love songs.
他就是我们说的彻头彻尾的强硬大坏蛋……除了他的缠绵爱情歌……

AND THE BANJO! 还有他的班卓琴!

His one documented song (though it’s said he wrote many more) was titled “Madonna Mia,” and it was essentially a heart-wrenching ode to his beloved wife. It doesn’t seem to fit into the dangerous mob boss image, but Al does manage to save a little face when you realize where he wrote most of his stuff: Alcatraz prison. And that’s balls. In a place where you’re sodomized and stabbed and then sodomized again just to “fuck the knife out of you,” Capone sat in his cell and played dainty love ballads. On a banjo.
据说他写过很多首,其中有据可查的一首名叫““Madonna Mia”,是一首闻者落泪型的,献给他挚爱老婆的情歌。这跟黑手党老大的危险形象非常不合,不过还有有点情有可原的,考虑到他写下这首歌的地点:恶魔岛监狱。这就够爷们了吧。在那个别人被鸡奸、挨刀子,然后再被爆菊,“把刀子给操出来”的地方,他坐在自己的牢房里,用班卓琴弹着爱人情歌。


In a cell that was much nicer than the average dorm room.他的牢房比一般人的要好得多。

#2.Joseph Stalin Drew Naked Men 斯大林喜欢画裸男

When he wasn’t busy sending people to the Gulag, Joseph Stalin relaxed by settling himself in with a cool drink and a roaring fire… to draw himself some good old fashioned pornography. And if that isn’t odd enough, he’d also write scathing remarks about people underneath the pictures, just because he thought it was funny. And hell, he’s right:
日理万机送人去劳改之余,斯大林休闲的方式是在温暖的炉火前喝杯冰镇的饮料……同时画点古典色情。如果这还不够奇怪,他还会在画的下面记上对模特的评价,只是因为他觉得好玩。确实,挺TMD好玩的。


“Hey, comrade fatso! A ridiculous mustache doesn’t justify ‘eating for two.’”“嘿,胖子同志。怪胡子并没给你像孕妇一样多吃的权利。”

The signatures on the drawings have been officially authenticated as Stalin’s, but after analyzing the pictures, Russian psychologists have gone on record as stating that they “didn’t find any expressions of homosexuality.” Though they begrudgingly admitted immediately afterward that “this material of course does prompt you have this thought.”
这些画作的签名都已经经过官方确认是斯大林的。但俄国的心理学家在检查这些画作后,坚称“没有找到任何同性恋”的迹象。然而他们随后面前同意说“当然这一题材确实会让人产生这种联想。”


Just a little bit. 只是一点联想。

So don’t worry, proud, patriotic Russians, the “Great Leader” wasn’t a fancyboy or anything… he just really, really comes off like one at first.
所以说,别担心啦,骄傲的爱国的俄国人们,你们的“伟大领袖”并不是兔爷还是什么的……他只是真的真的很容易被人误解。


“A little mass-murder, a little nude sketching, a little mass murder, a little nude sketching…一点大屠杀,一点裸男画,一点大屠杀,一点裸男画……”

#1.Kim Jong Il and Basketball金正日与篮球

Considering we once wrote an entire article about the wacky things Kim Jong Il does, you could probably guess who was going to be at this spot. And we didn’t even mention the (true) fact that among his movie collection you find lots of both James Bond and Daffy Duck, or the fact that he imports over $700,000 of Congac a year. 
我们曾经为金正日做个一个怪癖专题,看过的同学应该猜到荣登怪癖榜首的人是哪位了。姑且不论他的从007到达菲鸭的电影收藏,以及他每年耗资70万美元进口干邑白兰地的事实,光下面事这个他就能夺冠了。


No other world leader could rock those shades. 别的领导人有哪个能撑得起这副墨镜的?

But it’s his love for basketball that puts him on this list. Kim Jong Il’s favorite player is, of course, Michael Jordan, and that makes sense. They’ve basically been in a media blackout since the mid-90s, they’re probably just now getting Space Jam.
他对篮球的热爱让他登上了榜首。金正日最爱的球员,当然就是乔丹了。这理所当然,朝鲜封闭得这么厉害,估计刚刚才看到乔丹的电影《空中大灌篮》(1996年)吧 。


Because North Korea doesn’t have enough problems.

He’s such a fan of Jordan’s, in fact, that he owns a VHS recording of every single game he played with the Bulls. He’s even invited Michael to North Korea for a meeting and a friendly game or two but. Perhaps not approving of North Korea’s controversial “Kidnap Everybody Kim Jong Il Thinks is Amusing” policy, Jordan declined. When Secretary of State Madeleine Albright visited North Korea in 2000, she gave him a basketball signed by Mr. Jordan. A nice gesture, to be sure. For anybody else, that gets put right on the mantle. For Kim Jong Il, that ball gets displayed in the Museum of International Understanding, which he built. 他实在是太粉乔丹了,乔丹在公牛队打得每场球赛他都用录像。他甚至还曾邀请乔丹访问朝鲜打几场友谊赛。不过可能是被朝鲜的“金主席觉得有趣的,我们就绑架”的方针吓到了,乔丹没有答应。2000年国务卿Madeleine Albright访问朝鲜时,她送给金正日的就是一个乔丹签名的篮球。多么和谐的礼物啊。一般人的话,这球就直接放到家里最显眼的地方了,不过这是金正日,这球就直接被送进了他造的国际交流博物馆。

For the ball. 为球举杯吧。


Albright picked well, is what we’re trying to say. 我们只想说Albright很会选礼。

Kim is so obsessed with basketball that he wants to turn North Korea into a national basketball powerhouse, and is constantly bringing in coaches to give seminars on the fundamentals of basketball, and he’s had regulation basketball courts built at every one of his palaces. 金主席对篮球的痴迷让他决定要把朝鲜建成一个篮球强国,他多次召开篮球教练的研讨会,讨论如何培养篮球人才,并要求各地都兴建篮球场地。

But that’s all pretty tame, it’s just missing that trademark Kim Jong twist… and here it is: It’s not the basketball you’re thinking of; Kim “invented” the game we’re talking about. The main difference between the basketball you know and Kim’s version is the scoring system: Three points for a dunk, four points for a three pointer that touches nothing but the net, negative one point for missing a free throw, and eight points for a shot in the last three seconds. 说到这里有点无聊吧,完全没有金氏特有的疯狂元素,下面就来了。这里说的篮球,不是你心里想的那个运动,而是一项金正日“发明”的篮球。我们熟知的篮球跟金氏篮球最大的区别就是记分系统。他的版本中:扣篮3分,三分球远投如果是空心球(不接触篮板)就有4分;罚球不进扣1分;最后三秒进球得8分。

And those are just the officially documented ones. Off the record, we heard you have to play the rest of the game upside down for traveling, goaltending gets you a week of reduced rations and for the love of Christ, do not foul in the fourth quarter: Your family gets eaten by wolves. 以上还只是有官方记录可查的。坊间流传的说法是走步就需要大头冲下打完全场;干扰球就罚减少一个星期的定额供给;看在上帝的份上,你可千万在第四节犯规,不然你全家都会被扔去喂狼。


In all North Korean sporting, the Great Leader is the only one who wins. 在朝鲜的所用运动中,最后的赢家都只有伟大领袖。